Two of my coworkers are having an illicit tryst and I am feeling conflicted. Should I ‘out’ their sordid affair to the rest of the office? What I would really like to do is join in. How can I squeeze my way into their fun time?
(UNLUCKY) PIERRE, CUBICLE #3, SEDONA, AZ

Erva the Intolerant Geriatric replies:
I assume that by an "illicit tryst" you are referring to activities displayed in stag films at adult theaters in the metropolis. Such smut should NOT be allowed in any public means and is NOT permitted in The Bible and is considered blasphemy. They are going to hell. Anyone they know is going to hell, and that includes you. You need to warm them to the light of Our Lord so that they can cleanse themselves of their sins and return to a more prudent lifestyle. You should certainly make aware every office employee and craft two calligraphic scarlet "A's" for each to wear on their work garments as Hester Prynne did so that others may know of their inexcusable goings-on. You then should instruct other employees to sneer at them as they move to and fro work and cast stones in their directions at every possible moment.

This matter could be made worse by several factors. Are they the same race, creed, or gender? God will smite these evils with fury from His hands if they are a couple of damn queers. You must not succumb to your yearnings! If you feel your desires weighing too much on your soul you must repent with lashings and prayer. If your co-workers are anything but white, steer clear of them! The swine that plagues our land must be ostracized the same as the vermin from your workplace.