Dear Pop Vultures,
My friend keeps telling the same joke, over and over. He won't stop! Everywhere I go with him he will tell it. "Wanna CD?" and the person will reply in the positive, and he will respond, "Wanna see deez nuts?" I can't take it any more. He beat the horse to death and is continuing to maim its corpse. How can I tell him that this joke is stupid, it's always been stupid, and will always be stupid?
CHOKING ON JOKE - ERIE, PA

Lord Jowlmonger VIII replies:
So, you have a jester on your hands who won’t hush his commonplace prattling? Undoubtedly, his repeated episodes of nincompooping are making you redder than Saint George’s Cross with a side of pumpernickel jam! Oh, I too have gazed out the window of a companion’s persistence and like Speed 2: Cruise Control, I was duly unimpressed. Your question reminds of when I was studying under the Vicar of Turnstable at Westminster. During my year of schooling, I met a young maiden who was none other than sister of Lady Meredith Steamytaint! I know you must be in disbelief, but my jowls utter true. It wasn’t long before we were tiptoeing into each other’s chambers for barbarian style coitus! Oh the ecstasy! However, it wasn’t long before she started to develop a troubling obsession. During the course our genital gorging romps, the young vixen took to fingering my urethra, or what you Westerns refer to as “pee-hole.” At first I was excited at this rather randy exploration of the human form, but soon I contracted horrible pustules and fungal growths. My pubic hair grew substantially and as a result caused what you Westerns may call, “hair-up-the-tree.” I subsequently ended my relationship with the raucous maiden, taking with me a valuable lesson: an ingrown hair in the gunt, is worth two in the heat rash.

Highest regards,

LJ