I have an embarrassing problem. Lately I have been masturbating to internet sites that feature animals having sex with humans. I am afraid that someone may find out about this, but right now I am having the best orgasms I have ever had. What should I do.
SPANKING MY MONKEY TO MONKEYS, St. Paul, Minn.

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen, many people have somewhat strange fetishes. I mean I enjoy watching a pair of men dressed in clown suits fellate each other.

While your fetish is a bit different then what I enjoy, since it focuses on animals, don't be upset. There wouldn't be these sorts of websites out there if there wasn't sick perverts like yourself looking at them.

Next time you are chocking the ole' chicken, just think, some neck in Nebraska is probably doing the same thing right now. Just think of all 400 pounds of him, sitting in his flannel shirt and long john bottoms, with his stubby cock in his hand, beating off while looking at a woman give head to a horse.

While pleasuring yourself in your home is not hurting anyone other than your dick which has by now probably turned a pale shade of purple, you don't want to make this "fantasy" world turn into a reality. If you find yourself driving to work and you see a woman walking a dog and you think to yourself, "Self, wouldn't it be great if we kidnapped that woman and forced her to lick that dog's butthole while I beat off," then you may have a problem. That is where your sick fantasy begins to hurt other people.

So for now, enjoy what you are doing. Chances are you will get over this fetish of yours or you will eventually get arrested for starting a sheep fucking cult.