I'm going to be a contestant on Jeopardy, but I don't know how to study for the questions. How can I best prepare for my appearance on the show so I don't look like a fool?
NEEDS ASSISTANCE DESPERATELY STAT

Lord Jowlmonger VIII replies:
My my, you have quite the task a head of you NADS. The sharp tongue of Alex Trebek must be met with equally stern veracity or I'm afraid you shall look like the court jester of Meriwether, Criss Angel! As sure as Jewel's tooth is snaggled, you will be asked to expound upon a number of topics. But alas your journey is not lost yet. I can help.

Recently, I took a pilgrimage to the delicious stone jowls of the southern oracle Olmec. After successfully extracting the Pendants of Life from the temple, I was granted with next week's Jeopardy topics! At first I thought this was a little random seeing how I went to the oracle to find out if I had AIDS or not, but now that you have asked this question, I know now that the Almighty Krang watches over us all. Anywho, here are your categories: Prison Etiquette, Smotherboxes, Malt Liquor, World Music, 15th Century Lords, Raves.

I hope that aides your quest. I must be off now. I have business to attend to at Sussex. My fellow nobles and I are going to stay up all night and beat Jurassic Park for SNES. I leave you with a poem for good luck.

"Anytime I need to see your face, I just close my eyes I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine. Sweet like a chicka cherry cola. Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you, but ooh I'd die to find out."

Highest regards,

LJ