I just turned 28 and I'm going on my first date this weekend with a really hot chick, but, being inexperienced, I am not sure how I can get her in my house to have sex with her without my mom hearing the basement door slam. She hates to be woken up, and I'm sure my new girlfriend will be screaming with pleasure all night. How do I please both my mom and my date at the same time?
LOUD AND NOT SO PROUD - Peoria, IL
Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen friend, at the moment you have bigger issues than trying to sneak past your mother with some hussy you brought to a Dairy Queen and who will now submit to you quicker than the French in World War II. How about the fact that you are 28 and still live with your mom. I'm guessing that she still cooks you grilled cheese's for lunch and has to wash the skid marks out of your spongebob boxer shorts. You want to know how to please both women in your life, how bout this: Get a motherfuckin job and an apartment and then lace it to your little lady in the privacy of your own home.
If this is out of reach because you work as the night manager at a gas station and all of your money is put towards your two addictions; Pokeman and weed, then I have some useful advice for you still.
One, crush up 10 sleeping pills and mix them into your mothers nightly oatmeal snack. After this you will have all the privacy you will ever need.
If this doesn't work, tell your girlfriend to lose 20 pounds and then sneak her through the tiny basement window. I am sure she could stand to drop a few pounds anyway. You don't want her ass looking like cottage cheese now do you?
If you are looking for still another way, use your actual penis to have sex with her instead of pulling out a 10 inch dildo when she is not looking. Your penis is only three inches long and in no way will ever get this girl screaming. If she does scream, she is faking. Tell her to knock it off before she wakes up your mom.
If nothing else works, tell her your mom has the bubonic plague and that you will have to get a hotel room to have your little tryst in. Then steal the money out of your moms purse when she is cooking you a grilled cheese and make sure to nut all over this whores pretty little face. She probably likes that shit.
Until next time, Happy Fucking.
LOUD AND NOT SO PROUD - Peoria, IL
Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen friend, at the moment you have bigger issues than trying to sneak past your mother with some hussy you brought to a Dairy Queen and who will now submit to you quicker than the French in World War II. How about the fact that you are 28 and still live with your mom. I'm guessing that she still cooks you grilled cheese's for lunch and has to wash the skid marks out of your spongebob boxer shorts. You want to know how to please both women in your life, how bout this: Get a motherfuckin job and an apartment and then lace it to your little lady in the privacy of your own home.
If this is out of reach because you work as the night manager at a gas station and all of your money is put towards your two addictions; Pokeman and weed, then I have some useful advice for you still.
One, crush up 10 sleeping pills and mix them into your mothers nightly oatmeal snack. After this you will have all the privacy you will ever need.
If this doesn't work, tell your girlfriend to lose 20 pounds and then sneak her through the tiny basement window. I am sure she could stand to drop a few pounds anyway. You don't want her ass looking like cottage cheese now do you?
If you are looking for still another way, use your actual penis to have sex with her instead of pulling out a 10 inch dildo when she is not looking. Your penis is only three inches long and in no way will ever get this girl screaming. If she does scream, she is faking. Tell her to knock it off before she wakes up your mom.
If nothing else works, tell her your mom has the bubonic plague and that you will have to get a hotel room to have your little tryst in. Then steal the money out of your moms purse when she is cooking you a grilled cheese and make sure to nut all over this whores pretty little face. She probably likes that shit.
Until next time, Happy Fucking.
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