I met a girl at a party last night and this morning I woke up with a
rash on my balls. What should I do?
YEARNING AND BURNING

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
First off, let me congratulate you on pulling some inebriated skank who was probably too impaired to know any better than to succumb to your wiles. You shouldn't be surprised by the "present" she left you with, as I am sure you are not the first guy she has tangoed with late into the night. Do not worry though, as I have had this question in the past, making me more than able to help you in your current situation.

The last young man I had with this type of quandary had a rather unique story. After playing World of Warcraft for 36 straight hours he decided to partake in some exercise, which of course led him to his local Lazer Tag arena. While playing, he met a portly girl named Randy who he teamed up with to take down the competition.

After hitting it off, the two decided to leave and, after having a quick bite at Sbarro, went back to the young man's lair and began playing their own version of "lazer tag."

The boy awoke the next morning with redness in his scrotum. Thinking at first that it was simply chaffed from Lazer Tag. He finally contacted me and, as I now must do for you, I had to inform him that he had AIDS and will die.