Is Elvis really dead?
PRISCILLA, GRACELAND, NJ

T. LeDoyt replies:
Uh-huh, this is one I can answer. Many people believe that Elvis Aaron Presley was born January 8, 1935, and passed on to a pill-infused, fried chicken Heaven August 16, 1977. That idea is all shook up - no more should this travesty of a rumor be passed on from the red country to blue Hawaii. From his roles in 'Love Me Tender' to 'Change of Habit,' he accrued many stunt doubles and lookalikes that could mimic him to a T. They could be him. If I were alive when he was people would've mistaken us as brothers, as twins, and we would've toured as The Presleys. The fact of the matter is on that particular day at Graceland a stunt double was used, one that was a perfect match to The King (we could've been The Kings). That man was Ralph Barlow - Elvis's twin brother! Now that the secret has been unearthed the story can be told.

Elvis and Ralph were born together in East Tupelo, Mississippi, and it was trouble from the start. Ralph was a uppity child and used to hit his brother when they played. One time the two were playing and Ralph stole Elvis's nookie, diapered him (that pantsing, for infants), and shoved the sucker up his bum. Their parents became worried when Elvis didn't poop for 9 days and finally figured it out when they caught Ralph pumping the nookie like a piston in and out of Elvis's ass. They deemed them Adam and Evil. Ralph was put up for adoption the very next day. Elvis's parents never spoke a word of Ralph to him ever.

Ralph was adopted by a dirt farmer in Nebraska and was raised in that manner. It was not until Ralph was 22 that he found out he was adopted and that he held an uncanny resemblance to the up-and-coming King. It took him 10 years to convince his brother that they were twins and their reunion was kept a secret. Ralph lived happily as an Elvis impersonator and was worried as his brother was on the decline. He opted to do to his body what Elvis was doing to his: drugs, chicken, and pudding. The day before Elvis supposedly passed on he had a heart attack and needed a heart transplant. Knowing that Elvis's persona would live on and that Ralph's success was due completely to his brother's fame, Ralph heroically offered his heart to his brother to continue living life.

Elvis swore off his suicidal lifestyle and continued life as an Elvis impersonator. He once saw me performing and decided to take me under his wing. He taught me to play every song, act in every role, and anal. In 1995 he knew he was going to die and left me instructions: he asked me as his prized protege to pay homage to his brother and the gift he gave him by a transfer of his soul to mine. On December 26, 1995, Canada's Boxing Day, Elvis Aaron Presley passed away and I followed out his orders: I orally consumed his entire body and crafted his bones into a guitar case covered in blue suede.

Elvis is not dead. He lives on. In me.