My fiancé and I are planning a destination wedding, and what we were planning was that the wedding party would stay 4 days and three nights. On the third night would be the ceremony and the wedding party would say goodbye to us that night since our honeymoon has begun and go home so that we may have our honeymoon at the destination for the next seven days. My mother in law insists on staying ten minutes away during the honeymoon with children from the bride's High School boyfriend, extending her vacation for the next 7 days. She is paying for her own flights and hotel. I don't know how to react to this. I certainly do not want my mother in law nor anyone else even in the vicinity of our honeymoon. What do I do?
Kenny the Koward, Crater Falls, Kansas

Coach Dick Rubs replies:
You're in deep son. Mother in laws don't make friends they just make problems. What you have to remember is "mother in laws" are women, so believe it or not, they have vaginas too. Except these are the kind of snooches you can't pound, oh no, these ones will just annoy the balls off of you until you finally give up, get bombed off a liter of Wild Turkey and orally beat the shit out of her.

These women who make up the class of mother in laws, aren't as tough as they like to think they are. By acting out and pretending you don't matter they are rebelling against the men who controlled there lives for 25 years. What must be recalled is that the men of their generation still partook in many of the great social laws that were set down by our Protestant forefathers "no foreplay, and only men get off". So unless you want to give your mother in law the first orgasm off her life, you're chained to the ball of sheep's existence.

I'll tell you son, you can either tell this whore off before she packs up your wife and kids and moves to Missouri with them or bang the shit out of her and end up on the Sally Jessie Raphael show in the middle of a love triangle. One things for certain, that pussies angry and it aint going to go away on its own, you control your fate on this one. So until you off the bitch or get her off you're going to be controlled by a vage. Remember a women doesn't have a pussy, it has you.
Give me 20- Coach