I never smoked weed before but since entering college have been peer-pressured into smoking. So far I have said no but it is getting harder. What should I do?
Mary Doesn't Want Jane

T. LeDoyt replies:
I was in the same position as you once, except I decided not to go to college and to pursue fame, fortune, and snuff. Haven't you seen the commercials on what marijuana can do to you? You may end up showing your friend your dad's handgun or ending up flat and deflated on the couch watching cartoons. Are either of those that bad? I know you're saying, "T., I don't want my friend to shoot himself/herself in the face and, T., I don't want to look like an anorexic skinbag." You may think that losing a friend to a self-inflicted, non-suicidal gunshot would be tragic, but you aren't really going to be so high that you decide playing with guns is a good idea. And so what if you are an amorphous blob of worthlessness on the couch, at least you're not fat.

The real issue here is the idea of marijuana being a gateway drug. One time I was with my buddies on the last show of a tour and Eddie removed a bag of green from his pocket and suggested we get lifted. Being The King, I had no idea what lifted was and I suggested he stop using his stupid Northeast colloquialisms and get to the damn point. I was tired of singing Hound Dog to waves of sea donkeys in the crowd and needed to get the edge off. Eddie cut through the crap ribbons and told me it was marijuana and that it would make ribs and fried chicken taste better. I told Eddie nothing could make ribs and fried chicken taste better and that I need these lungs to sing. We threw Eddie off the tour bus for suggesting The King ruin his pipes and made him sing Love Me Tender backwards on the side of Route 73 just outside of Otway, Kentucky, before letting him back on. That's when Clarence broke out the blow. I need my lungs, but I don't need my nasal cavity.

It's time for a little less conversation and a lot more action from you. Skip the weed. Go for the coke and sedatives. You'll be more alert than your stoner friends and you won't have your ribs and fried chicken tainted. Then, when your friends take out that marijuana, you can take out the serious stuff and pressure them into it. And when they don't, call them pussies.