Hello. My name is Ryan Tittles and I am in 8th grade. I get picked on a lot in school. How do I make them stop?
RYAN - NORTH CONWAY, NH

Straightpants Sinatra replies:
See there Ryan, you want them to stop eh? Well let me frickin ask ya, what do you do to make them pick on you? Nothing you say? You are not doing anything to facilitate your misery? So you mean to tell me you don't wear the same B.U.M. Equipment shirt to school three days a week? You are gonna tell me you don't have bitch tits and that you don't reek of Polo Safari? So you are not lying when you tell me that you don't play Warcraft instead of doing sports?

I've got you pegged Ryan Titties. How do I know they call you that? Cause you have a gay last name, that's why. But you can't help that you say? Your small handed father gave you that name? That might be true there Tits, but you don't do anything to overshadow the fact that your name it is queerer than a three dollar bill. Here is Tits's typical day: wake up 5 minutes before school, not shower, eat a Toaster Strudel, get boners in class and not pay attention, come home and not do anything your parents ask of you, go up to your room and play video games and listen to Good Charlotte, repeat.

Get your frickin life together Titties. Get some fresh air for Christ's sake. Do something social. Then you can stop masturbating 8 times a day to your mom's Chadwick's magazines that you steal before anybody gets home. Then maybe, just maybe you won't grow up like the rest of sissified America. And oh yeah. Get a job.