I overheard my mother and father fighting the other day because my mom walked in on my dad watching a "snuff film." What is that?
CURIOUSITY SNUFFED THE CAT
T. LeDoyt replies:
I believe I'm well suited to answer this query. A snuff film is the greatest genre of film, ever. Among my many fames (singer, songwriter, model, barbeque sauce mogul) is a lead acting role in many of the most famous snuff films. Some of my greatest roles are in the films 'The Trouble With Girls (is Life);' 'No Viva Las Vegas;' 'Live a Little, Snuff a Little;' 'Harum Snuffum;' 'Love Me Snuffder;' and 'T. Ledoyt: Life of a Real Man.' A snuff film is considered a lost genre of film because there are so few actors and actresses left that it is mainly an underground activity rarely funded by studios leaving the producers and actors with a small budget.
Your mom is likely upset by the supposed poor treatment of women in these films as its roots lie in the late 19th Century where women were seen as male property and lesser beings. This is simply not true. It is impossible to see these as anything other than a celebration of life as it is a fleeting and wonderous thing. Women tend to view snuff in its base understanding as degrading and horrific when, in fact, modern snuff has traveled far from its beginnings and has evolved into an artform. The modern snuff film is tasteful and prodigious in its portrayals and continues to push the limits of what should be acceptable in society. It is a genre, mind you, but is more of a progressive movement of mankind towards the ultimate goal of happiness.
Your mother should not be mad at your father, she should be supportive and, even, gleeful that he chooses to be a part of the betterment of what can be seen as a sometimes cynical world. Tell your father that you want to be a part of his activities, a part of the snuff movement, and a part of a better life.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I have an embarrassing problem. Lately I have been masturbating to internet sites that feature animals having sex with humans. I am afraid that someone may find out about this, but right now I am having the best orgasms I have ever had. What should I do.
SPANKING MY MONKEY TO MONKEYS, St. Paul, Minn.
Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen, many people have somewhat strange fetishes. I mean I enjoy watching a pair of men dressed in clown suits fellate each other.
While your fetish is a bit different then what I enjoy, since it focuses on animals, don't be upset. There wouldn't be these sorts of websites out there if there wasn't sick perverts like yourself looking at them.
Next time you are chocking the ole' chicken, just think, some neck in Nebraska is probably doing the same thing right now. Just think of all 400 pounds of him, sitting in his flannel shirt and long john bottoms, with his stubby cock in his hand, beating off while looking at a woman give head to a horse.
While pleasuring yourself in your home is not hurting anyone other than your dick which has by now probably turned a pale shade of purple, you don't want to make this "fantasy" world turn into a reality. If you find yourself driving to work and you see a woman walking a dog and you think to yourself, "Self, wouldn't it be great if we kidnapped that woman and forced her to lick that dog's butthole while I beat off," then you may have a problem. That is where your sick fantasy begins to hurt other people.
So for now, enjoy what you are doing. Chances are you will get over this fetish of yours or you will eventually get arrested for starting a sheep fucking cult.
SPANKING MY MONKEY TO MONKEYS, St. Paul, Minn.
Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen, many people have somewhat strange fetishes. I mean I enjoy watching a pair of men dressed in clown suits fellate each other.
While your fetish is a bit different then what I enjoy, since it focuses on animals, don't be upset. There wouldn't be these sorts of websites out there if there wasn't sick perverts like yourself looking at them.
Next time you are chocking the ole' chicken, just think, some neck in Nebraska is probably doing the same thing right now. Just think of all 400 pounds of him, sitting in his flannel shirt and long john bottoms, with his stubby cock in his hand, beating off while looking at a woman give head to a horse.
While pleasuring yourself in your home is not hurting anyone other than your dick which has by now probably turned a pale shade of purple, you don't want to make this "fantasy" world turn into a reality. If you find yourself driving to work and you see a woman walking a dog and you think to yourself, "Self, wouldn't it be great if we kidnapped that woman and forced her to lick that dog's butthole while I beat off," then you may have a problem. That is where your sick fantasy begins to hurt other people.
So for now, enjoy what you are doing. Chances are you will get over this fetish of yours or you will eventually get arrested for starting a sheep fucking cult.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Who is my real father?
RICHIE, Woodstock, NY
Goth Kid replies:
Fathers? Let me tell you something about fathers. A father is the guy who looks at you and says, "What would you like for dinner?" Dinner, huh? Why doesn't he just ask me why I put on black make-up and dress in black and have no soul? Why doesn't he tell me what he really means, that I was an accident on the night the condom broke when he and my "mother" were celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary by drinking Franzia and eating crappy Thai food and that I was their "favorite accident?" Favorite? They must be joking like when the so-called "God" thought he could impose his fascist beliefs on the world saying that the Devil is bad and Hell is an awful place when, in fact, it is the only place that welcomes tortured souls like my own like the jaws of a rabid wolf welcome the taste of mortal flesh. My father should just tell me that I am not as good as my brother and that the world would be a better place (if that's even possible, as it's just the dump where decaying bodies gather flies and maggots and get recycled into this never-ending pit of despair) without me. I know how he feels about me, that is, if I've ever really been able to feel. He wishes I were dead so that he, my mother, and my brother could continue their jaded existences without my atheism challenging their hopes of utopia. The only perfect world is one where I'm alone to wallow in my own misery - then and only then can I be happy.
Richie, the only reason you should have for wanting to find your father is so that you could thank him for abandoning you to spare you the feelings of doubt and shame he'd cast at you. And you shouldn't have to thank him; he brought you into this Ken and Barbie facade of a world where hope runs rampant like the sheep traveling back and forth from their jobs to their families to their jobs to their families with never the thought of why they participate in this conformist regime or why hope exists when the only end will be death. My true family is the one frowned upon by the curds of conformist society. With Darkness as my father and Death as my mother I will eagerly await what they have in store for me. Who cares who your father is? You have a new family now and we will hate each other as plain as black and white, and you will die, and that will be your only true solace.
RICHIE, Woodstock, NY
Goth Kid replies:
Fathers? Let me tell you something about fathers. A father is the guy who looks at you and says, "What would you like for dinner?" Dinner, huh? Why doesn't he just ask me why I put on black make-up and dress in black and have no soul? Why doesn't he tell me what he really means, that I was an accident on the night the condom broke when he and my "mother" were celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary by drinking Franzia and eating crappy Thai food and that I was their "favorite accident?" Favorite? They must be joking like when the so-called "God" thought he could impose his fascist beliefs on the world saying that the Devil is bad and Hell is an awful place when, in fact, it is the only place that welcomes tortured souls like my own like the jaws of a rabid wolf welcome the taste of mortal flesh. My father should just tell me that I am not as good as my brother and that the world would be a better place (if that's even possible, as it's just the dump where decaying bodies gather flies and maggots and get recycled into this never-ending pit of despair) without me. I know how he feels about me, that is, if I've ever really been able to feel. He wishes I were dead so that he, my mother, and my brother could continue their jaded existences without my atheism challenging their hopes of utopia. The only perfect world is one where I'm alone to wallow in my own misery - then and only then can I be happy.
Richie, the only reason you should have for wanting to find your father is so that you could thank him for abandoning you to spare you the feelings of doubt and shame he'd cast at you. And you shouldn't have to thank him; he brought you into this Ken and Barbie facade of a world where hope runs rampant like the sheep traveling back and forth from their jobs to their families to their jobs to their families with never the thought of why they participate in this conformist regime or why hope exists when the only end will be death. My true family is the one frowned upon by the curds of conformist society. With Darkness as my father and Death as my mother I will eagerly await what they have in store for me. Who cares who your father is? You have a new family now and we will hate each other as plain as black and white, and you will die, and that will be your only true solace.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Dear Pop Vultures,
My friend keeps telling the same joke, over and over. He won't stop! Everywhere I go with him he will tell it. "Wanna CD?" and the person will reply in the positive, and he will respond, "Wanna see deez nuts?" I can't take it any more. He beat the horse to death and is continuing to maim its corpse. How can I tell him that this joke is stupid, it's always been stupid, and will always be stupid?
CHOKING ON JOKE - ERIE, PA
Lord Jowlmonger VIII replies:
So, you have a jester on your hands who won’t hush his commonplace prattling? Undoubtedly, his repeated episodes of nincompooping are making you redder than Saint George’s Cross with a side of pumpernickel jam! Oh, I too have gazed out the window of a companion’s persistence and like Speed 2: Cruise Control, I was duly unimpressed. Your question reminds of when I was studying under the Vicar of Turnstable at Westminster. During my year of schooling, I met a young maiden who was none other than sister of Lady Meredith Steamytaint! I know you must be in disbelief, but my jowls utter true. It wasn’t long before we were tiptoeing into each other’s chambers for barbarian style coitus! Oh the ecstasy! However, it wasn’t long before she started to develop a troubling obsession. During the course our genital gorging romps, the young vixen took to fingering my urethra, or what you Westerns refer to as “pee-hole.” At first I was excited at this rather randy exploration of the human form, but soon I contracted horrible pustules and fungal growths. My pubic hair grew substantially and as a result caused what you Westerns may call, “hair-up-the-tree.” I subsequently ended my relationship with the raucous maiden, taking with me a valuable lesson: an ingrown hair in the gunt, is worth two in the heat rash.
Highest regards,
LJ
My friend keeps telling the same joke, over and over. He won't stop! Everywhere I go with him he will tell it. "Wanna CD?" and the person will reply in the positive, and he will respond, "Wanna see deez nuts?" I can't take it any more. He beat the horse to death and is continuing to maim its corpse. How can I tell him that this joke is stupid, it's always been stupid, and will always be stupid?
CHOKING ON JOKE - ERIE, PA
Lord Jowlmonger VIII replies:
So, you have a jester on your hands who won’t hush his commonplace prattling? Undoubtedly, his repeated episodes of nincompooping are making you redder than Saint George’s Cross with a side of pumpernickel jam! Oh, I too have gazed out the window of a companion’s persistence and like Speed 2: Cruise Control, I was duly unimpressed. Your question reminds of when I was studying under the Vicar of Turnstable at Westminster. During my year of schooling, I met a young maiden who was none other than sister of Lady Meredith Steamytaint! I know you must be in disbelief, but my jowls utter true. It wasn’t long before we were tiptoeing into each other’s chambers for barbarian style coitus! Oh the ecstasy! However, it wasn’t long before she started to develop a troubling obsession. During the course our genital gorging romps, the young vixen took to fingering my urethra, or what you Westerns refer to as “pee-hole.” At first I was excited at this rather randy exploration of the human form, but soon I contracted horrible pustules and fungal growths. My pubic hair grew substantially and as a result caused what you Westerns may call, “hair-up-the-tree.” I subsequently ended my relationship with the raucous maiden, taking with me a valuable lesson: an ingrown hair in the gunt, is worth two in the heat rash.
Highest regards,
LJ
How come you never really answer anyone's questions? You guys simply make fun of people and tell them to do stupid ridiculous things. How about some real advice, anyone can run a blog that just makes fun of people, but it takes true talent to be the next Ann Landers.
ODD AND STANDOFFISH
The Editor replies:
We, The Pop Vultures, resent the notion that we provide poor advice as do our panel of professionals. Each of them has read the question and each is genuinely offended by your suggestion, but, as we answer questions sent to us out of our desire to help, your accusation will be addressed as any other question would be.
As is our mission goal, "We guide the provision of advice by divvying submitted questions to a panel of professionals;" these professionals are, "experts in their respective fields and answer the questions based both on who we feel would provide the most thorough answer and, situationally, the best advice." The questions sent to us undergo analysis in a private forum within our offices by our panel and it is they who decide which of them would be able to offer the best solution, not us. We trust our panel as they have proven to us through their own work and our screening process that they are able and excellent advice-givers and life-changers. We have received numerous congratulations and thank-you's for the guidance our panelists have provided from those that came to us with problems. In fact, you are the first naysayer in our quest of changing the world for the better.
But we are not here to criticize you for your criticisms of us. No, your quandry will be answered as any other is with the only difference being that, as you have personally and professionaly attacked our panelists, we, the editors, The Pop Vultures, will respond to your issue. We personally make sure that the answers are professional and directed towards helping and trust our panel to do the same. We do not feel we "make fun of people and tell them to do stupid ridiculous things" - this is advice given by real people who have lived their lives until this point gaining experience and now have the express goal of helping you, the public. With that in mind, you must understand that they are people too; they are not omnipotent beings that can see into the futures of the people that need help, they just offer advice to the best of their ability, and we have this panel because of their superb abilities to affect the world for the better.
Now that your grievance has been aired we hope that you have a better understanding of our goal and a new appreciation of the advice we have given and will continue to give.
The Pop Vultures
ODD AND STANDOFFISH
The Editor replies:
We, The Pop Vultures, resent the notion that we provide poor advice as do our panel of professionals. Each of them has read the question and each is genuinely offended by your suggestion, but, as we answer questions sent to us out of our desire to help, your accusation will be addressed as any other question would be.
As is our mission goal, "We guide the provision of advice by divvying submitted questions to a panel of professionals;" these professionals are, "experts in their respective fields and answer the questions based both on who we feel would provide the most thorough answer and, situationally, the best advice." The questions sent to us undergo analysis in a private forum within our offices by our panel and it is they who decide which of them would be able to offer the best solution, not us. We trust our panel as they have proven to us through their own work and our screening process that they are able and excellent advice-givers and life-changers. We have received numerous congratulations and thank-you's for the guidance our panelists have provided from those that came to us with problems. In fact, you are the first naysayer in our quest of changing the world for the better.
But we are not here to criticize you for your criticisms of us. No, your quandry will be answered as any other is with the only difference being that, as you have personally and professionaly attacked our panelists, we, the editors, The Pop Vultures, will respond to your issue. We personally make sure that the answers are professional and directed towards helping and trust our panel to do the same. We do not feel we "make fun of people and tell them to do stupid ridiculous things" - this is advice given by real people who have lived their lives until this point gaining experience and now have the express goal of helping you, the public. With that in mind, you must understand that they are people too; they are not omnipotent beings that can see into the futures of the people that need help, they just offer advice to the best of their ability, and we have this panel because of their superb abilities to affect the world for the better.
Now that your grievance has been aired we hope that you have a better understanding of our goal and a new appreciation of the advice we have given and will continue to give.
The Pop Vultures
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I just turned 28 and I'm going on my first date this weekend with a really hot chick, but, being inexperienced, I am not sure how I can get her in my house to have sex with her without my mom hearing the basement door slam. She hates to be woken up, and I'm sure my new girlfriend will be screaming with pleasure all night. How do I please both my mom and my date at the same time?
LOUD AND NOT SO PROUD - Peoria, IL
Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen friend, at the moment you have bigger issues than trying to sneak past your mother with some hussy you brought to a Dairy Queen and who will now submit to you quicker than the French in World War II. How about the fact that you are 28 and still live with your mom. I'm guessing that she still cooks you grilled cheese's for lunch and has to wash the skid marks out of your spongebob boxer shorts. You want to know how to please both women in your life, how bout this: Get a motherfuckin job and an apartment and then lace it to your little lady in the privacy of your own home.
If this is out of reach because you work as the night manager at a gas station and all of your money is put towards your two addictions; Pokeman and weed, then I have some useful advice for you still.
One, crush up 10 sleeping pills and mix them into your mothers nightly oatmeal snack. After this you will have all the privacy you will ever need.
If this doesn't work, tell your girlfriend to lose 20 pounds and then sneak her through the tiny basement window. I am sure she could stand to drop a few pounds anyway. You don't want her ass looking like cottage cheese now do you?
If you are looking for still another way, use your actual penis to have sex with her instead of pulling out a 10 inch dildo when she is not looking. Your penis is only three inches long and in no way will ever get this girl screaming. If she does scream, she is faking. Tell her to knock it off before she wakes up your mom.
If nothing else works, tell her your mom has the bubonic plague and that you will have to get a hotel room to have your little tryst in. Then steal the money out of your moms purse when she is cooking you a grilled cheese and make sure to nut all over this whores pretty little face. She probably likes that shit.
Until next time, Happy Fucking.
LOUD AND NOT SO PROUD - Peoria, IL
Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen friend, at the moment you have bigger issues than trying to sneak past your mother with some hussy you brought to a Dairy Queen and who will now submit to you quicker than the French in World War II. How about the fact that you are 28 and still live with your mom. I'm guessing that she still cooks you grilled cheese's for lunch and has to wash the skid marks out of your spongebob boxer shorts. You want to know how to please both women in your life, how bout this: Get a motherfuckin job and an apartment and then lace it to your little lady in the privacy of your own home.
If this is out of reach because you work as the night manager at a gas station and all of your money is put towards your two addictions; Pokeman and weed, then I have some useful advice for you still.
One, crush up 10 sleeping pills and mix them into your mothers nightly oatmeal snack. After this you will have all the privacy you will ever need.
If this doesn't work, tell your girlfriend to lose 20 pounds and then sneak her through the tiny basement window. I am sure she could stand to drop a few pounds anyway. You don't want her ass looking like cottage cheese now do you?
If you are looking for still another way, use your actual penis to have sex with her instead of pulling out a 10 inch dildo when she is not looking. Your penis is only three inches long and in no way will ever get this girl screaming. If she does scream, she is faking. Tell her to knock it off before she wakes up your mom.
If nothing else works, tell her your mom has the bubonic plague and that you will have to get a hotel room to have your little tryst in. Then steal the money out of your moms purse when she is cooking you a grilled cheese and make sure to nut all over this whores pretty little face. She probably likes that shit.
Until next time, Happy Fucking.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I'm looking to start up a business. I have motivation and funding but no idea. I am 45-year-old man with experience in many business-related fields and a Bachelor's in Economics and a Master's in Media Relations. I have a broad spectrum of interests and wish to help people and make money. What should I do?
BENTLEY GRAD - Waltham, MA
Cloud Moss replies:
Would you like to help people or make money? If you are truly interested in helping people, come join my worldwide coalition. We are developing a large scale music festival to support pocket-composting, animal rights, raw vegan lifestyles, harmonic inner prize health supplements and the arrest and public execution of Dick Cheney. You could for once use your "education" to help some people who really need it. You will have to be willing to change your outlook if you are going to work to help people the way that I have dedicated this life to. It is important to be able to adjust your "economics" bachelor degree way of thinking into the way things truly work, i.e. barter value of live Phish tapes, market value of organic Himalayan gogi berry juice vs. Chinese gogi berry juice, you see where I'm going right? Helping others can be the most rewarding part of life, but first you need to help yourself. Watch your enzyme levels, and be aware of the nutrients and bacteria escape when your food is cooked. Be sure to consume only uncooked, fully chewed fruits, nuts, avocados and soaked cereal grains. And if you're writing looking for advice on how to make tons of money and become another sheep in the fascist Wall-Street run Euro-centric indigenous-raping early grave of a bile-pot, be my fucking guest, but don't expect Her to forgive you when you choke on the portraits of slave-traders that you and your oil soaked war chiefs throw at each other.
Namaste.
BENTLEY GRAD - Waltham, MA
Cloud Moss replies:
Would you like to help people or make money? If you are truly interested in helping people, come join my worldwide coalition. We are developing a large scale music festival to support pocket-composting, animal rights, raw vegan lifestyles, harmonic inner prize health supplements and the arrest and public execution of Dick Cheney. You could for once use your "education" to help some people who really need it. You will have to be willing to change your outlook if you are going to work to help people the way that I have dedicated this life to. It is important to be able to adjust your "economics" bachelor degree way of thinking into the way things truly work, i.e. barter value of live Phish tapes, market value of organic Himalayan gogi berry juice vs. Chinese gogi berry juice, you see where I'm going right? Helping others can be the most rewarding part of life, but first you need to help yourself. Watch your enzyme levels, and be aware of the nutrients and bacteria escape when your food is cooked. Be sure to consume only uncooked, fully chewed fruits, nuts, avocados and soaked cereal grains. And if you're writing looking for advice on how to make tons of money and become another sheep in the fascist Wall-Street run Euro-centric indigenous-raping early grave of a bile-pot, be my fucking guest, but don't expect Her to forgive you when you choke on the portraits of slave-traders that you and your oil soaked war chiefs throw at each other.
Namaste.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
