I own a 1994 Geo Prism. Any suggestions as to what sweet things I can do with my new ride?
Lively Young Lad

Goth Kid replies:
Sweet things? What's a sweet thing anyway? Sweet is a physiological response by the human tongue to certain chemicals, a taste sensation, that's all. A sensation is a feeling, it's only a lie created by the government to sell flowers and chocolate that go on the polished cherry tables so common in the nuclear family household as part of the "American Dream." If only the nuclear family was a lot less family and a lot more nuclear so the unstable particles shot through every flesh being on this spherical wasteland, mutating every human into a tormented skin sac so they all can finally feel the agony that courses through my veins like a lethal injection.

Cars are machines, gears and cogs creating a mechanism that moves back and forth like every John and Jane Doe to their corporate graves. I had a car once. When I sat in that pleather bucket seat I became part of the machine, part of this conformist world that runs on the liquid remains of every decaying being that wandered aimlessly toward that final pit of despair.

So you want to know some "sweet" things to do with that car? Put on your black clothes, black eyeliner, and skull earrings, drive to the nearest mall parking lot, get your goth friends in the car with you, run a tube from the exhaust pipe into the front window, play Marilyn Manson, turn the key, and enjoy your last minutes of gloom before eternal darkness envelops you. Or do some donuts.

I just found out my girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 21! What the hell do I do?
Coming Up on Manhood, Beverly, MA

John Zombie replies:
Quite the pickle you’ve gotten yourself into there CUM. Look there is no easy way to tell you this, but your life is most likely over. That is unless your girlfriend is hot. But that would be highly unlikely, because hot girls don’t have babies. Hot girls get abortions; ugly girls are the only ones who get pregnant. Now being a Christian I don’t advise getting an abortion. How would you feel if your parents aborted you? Really, when you think about it, the word “abortion” is fucked up enough in itself. It’s not like you’re aborting a space shuttle launch or some poorly executed IMF covert operation. We’re talking about a living breathing little animal in there! Soulnessness man. My suggestion is that you take responsibility for you actions. And by actions I mean the cum and eggs that is now your life.

The bigger question is, how are you going to raise the little sap sucker? I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t make music that talks about eating flesh, yet only serve vegetables at the dinner table. That can be confusing for a child. Additionally, you shouldn’t replace Sesame Street characters with the perverted creatures of your subconscious and expect them to be suitable. Certainly, “Dragula Street” could never be considered an appropriate substitute for a 3 to 5 year old, nor has it won any public television awards. What the fuck is a dragula anyways? Some kind of car? Well that’s funny, I didn’t see any cars. All I saw were transvestite vampires wearing guy-liner, plundering each other’s shine-boxes and slitting their wrists.

But, I suppose exposure to graphic material was a good thing in retrospect. I mean, you don’t want your kid to pee himself every time he sees blood. In general, you don’t want him to be a little Nancy pants small hands HR officer do you? Who the fuck says, I want to work in human resources when I grow up? Oh yeah, that’s a rewarding profession, telling other sorry fuckers that they can’t take the day off to take their kid skiing. Or, spearheading some internal investigation into a comment that was made offending some overly sensitive
black/gay/female/Hispanic/transgender/white/handicap/male/prostitute/ middle manager who thinks he can advance his pathetic career by claiming to be victimized. Grow a pair, buy my dad’s latest album and get ready for hell you PC bitch.

In short, CUM. Please, if you are going to bring a child into this world, make sure they can stand on their feet. Or, watch their inevitable struggle as they try to suck their way to the top.

I never smoked weed before but since entering college have been peer-pressured into smoking. So far I have said no but it is getting harder. What should I do?
Mary Doesn't Want Jane

T. LeDoyt replies:
I was in the same position as you once, except I decided not to go to college and to pursue fame, fortune, and snuff. Haven't you seen the commercials on what marijuana can do to you? You may end up showing your friend your dad's handgun or ending up flat and deflated on the couch watching cartoons. Are either of those that bad? I know you're saying, "T., I don't want my friend to shoot himself/herself in the face and, T., I don't want to look like an anorexic skinbag." You may think that losing a friend to a self-inflicted, non-suicidal gunshot would be tragic, but you aren't really going to be so high that you decide playing with guns is a good idea. And so what if you are an amorphous blob of worthlessness on the couch, at least you're not fat.

The real issue here is the idea of marijuana being a gateway drug. One time I was with my buddies on the last show of a tour and Eddie removed a bag of green from his pocket and suggested we get lifted. Being The King, I had no idea what lifted was and I suggested he stop using his stupid Northeast colloquialisms and get to the damn point. I was tired of singing Hound Dog to waves of sea donkeys in the crowd and needed to get the edge off. Eddie cut through the crap ribbons and told me it was marijuana and that it would make ribs and fried chicken taste better. I told Eddie nothing could make ribs and fried chicken taste better and that I need these lungs to sing. We threw Eddie off the tour bus for suggesting The King ruin his pipes and made him sing Love Me Tender backwards on the side of Route 73 just outside of Otway, Kentucky, before letting him back on. That's when Clarence broke out the blow. I need my lungs, but I don't need my nasal cavity.

It's time for a little less conversation and a lot more action from you. Skip the weed. Go for the coke and sedatives. You'll be more alert than your stoner friends and you won't have your ribs and fried chicken tainted. Then, when your friends take out that marijuana, you can take out the serious stuff and pressure them into it. And when they don't, call them pussies.

I had sex with my friends dad last week, and I'm not really sure how to go about telling my buddy. I mean we were always best friends growing up, playing baseball, soccer and all kinds boyhood things. Things did change as we got older and I went to college and started experimenting, we stopped talking a little, but I still consider myself fairly close to him. How should I tell him that his Dad and I are an item?

Phil, San Fransisco, CA

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
You are in a very difficult position Phil. Not so much with your best friend, but rather because you are a pickle smoker.
Will your friend be more pissed that you are fucking his father or that he may have changed in the same locker room as you while playing some of your boyhood sports?
I mean, chances are he knows his father is a homo because his parents are divorced and he now calls his fathers' best friend "Uncle Henry." I'm sure he has been rifling through his fathers drawer, perhaps trying to steal a little money for cocaine, when he stumbled upon a dildo with shit stains on it. And he's probably not stupid and has put two and two together.
But just think of the the trauma you will inflict on him when he thinks back to that time after the big baseball game where you hit a walkoff homerun and he was the first to meet you at the plate after you rounded the bases and you two embraced and he felt a little poke in his leg but he figured it was just your cup until later when he noticed you weren't wearing a cup but he just shrugged it off.
Or how about that time you two showered together after football practice and you made the comment, "Nice Penis." Sure, he thought you were just fucking around then, but what is he going to think now. He won't be able to get the thought out of his head that perhaps you went home and beat off while thinking about his meat stick.
If you really love his father, you are by no means required to stop seeing him. Just know it will probably mean an end to your friendship. If this is just a fling, because you like to get pounded in the ass, perhaps you should put an end to it before you lose your friend.
Even though you'd be doing him a favor if you broke off the friendship. I mean who wants to be friends with a fudgepacker.
The Doctor is out!

I've got some free time this week so I thought about asking this girl I met at my friends birthday party to go up to the mountains and go for a hike. The impression I got from her was that Im not like the guys she usually dates, but I really think we hit it off and I want to show her that although I am a little overweight I am still an active individual who enjoys the outdoors. So my question lies in how to execute proposing the idea of the trip to her, should I mention it is a friendly thing, or should I make it known that it is a date?
Hank, Provincetown, MA

Coach Dick Rubs replies:
Please do not take any of this commiseratively, I think you are squalid and would like to encourage you to off your third-rate self. However, this is an open question forum and I have been instructed to answer your question to the best of my abilities. In order to even begin to attempt to complete the aforementioned task we need to address the underlying problem. You're a chubby piece of solid waste, a grotty little guy who doesn't get boners because of his type 2 diabetes. So first things first go to the doctors and get a dick pill, for if by some dumb shit luck you do get in this broads pants you're going to want to be ready.

Secondly, lets get another thing straight, you're not, "an active individual" I can tell by the way you fat fingered your question that you eat little Debbie's beneath your desk 3 times a day, and the last time you broke a sweat was when Dance Dance Revolution came out, which you had to stop participating in because of chaffing. For fuck sakes son you're a cake eater, and the quicker you come to terms with this the sooner you will start going after attainable broads, ones who have the same dumpy interests as you, i.e. getting fat and dying before your parents. I'm tired of listing to plump dickheads like you telling me they have "high standards" you shouldn't even be allowed to live never mind mate and god forbid reproduce, you have to realize that no one wants to even get to know who "you are on the inside", as modern day humans we go out find someone who scores the same on the ISA (income*social standing* aesthetic qualities) and make ourselves fall in love. When your flab makes children scared of you, the chances of you getting anyone are pretty slim. But women are dumb so there is always hope...

Surely you will need to tell this young pussy that it is a date, chicks always say yes when caught off guard, and nothing will be more alarming then a load like you standing in front of her. If she says yes, just stop eating, and I if you're thinking, "my mom always said dieting is good but not eating is un-healthy" take all your clothes off and do 20 jumping jacks in front of the mirror, and then you tell me that you shouldn't stop eating. Anorexia is only unhealthy if you're already skinny, so in the case of your thick set self, it can only help.Oh and for God sakes don't go hiking, nothing says the date is over like two helicopters trying to airlift a whale sized fat man from the top of a mountain.

I had sex with my friend's dad last week, and I'm not really sure how to go about telling my buddy. I mean we were always best friends growing up, playing baseball, soccer and all kinds of boyhood things. Things did change as we got older and I went to college and started experimenting, we stopped talking a little, but I still consider myself fairly close to him. How should I tell him that his Dad and I are an item?

PHIL, San Francisco, CA

Erva the Intolerant Geriatric replies:
By the way you spell your cognomen I am apt to assume that you are a male as I have a friend named Phyllis who goes by Phyl on occasion and, after conferring with her at our weekly bridge game, have concluded that no respectable woman would spell it 'Phil.' I am also in assumption that you are sending this question as it may lead to the conclusion that you are a homosexual. There is nothing wrong with that - unless you have no problem going to Hell. But why should that bother you? Damn queers have been running amok for years now beginning with the damn idea of 'free love' introduced by those atheist hippies when rock music began to pollute the radio waves.

Our benevolent God has no place in the world for damn queers like you. My late brother Abner said he had 'thoughts' about another man while in the war and he committed himself to gay camp as soon as he returned. The blessed priests that cured him of the gay confiscated all of his gay paraphernalia including his shaving cream tubes with male simulacra and his Sears Roebuck catalogue. After weeks of prayer and repenting came home with an understanding of true love and a desire to court a young lady.

You should not tell your friend, you should never tell another soul except the wise men at your local diocese. They can help you become human again and lead you towards a sin-free lifestyle in which love for your fellow Catholic and an obedient wife will be all you need. As for your friend's father, he needs to be outed with discretion as you have been put on the right path and you need not attention cast in your direction. As a father, he should know better than to succumb to the temptations of God's creations and since we know he is a sinner he must be punished. Find a way to tell his family, perhaps an anonymous parchment detailing his activities, and they shall shun him as well. Make it known at his work so that in any direction he should turn there will be a vengeful eye doing Our Lord's work. Once he feels the smite bearing on him he shall turn to our way or understand that the only valiant way to go will be euthanasia by means of the underside of a trolley car. Just like Abner.

My boyfriend sometimes hits me but I really love him. What should I do?
HAWAIIAN PUNCHED, Honolulu, HI.

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen Punched, unless your boyfriend is Vin Diesel he is not worth staying with if he hits you. That is, unless he is well hung and spends more time pleasuring you with his enormous rod than he does beating you with his gigantic fists.

I have heard from many girls who tell me stories of getting beaten. They say their boyfriends use lines like "I only hit you cause I love you" and "If I don't punch you in the womb you may have this baby." If a man is hitting you, he doesn't love you. He just loves fucking your little pink pussy and can't stand to be around you the rest of the time. Maybe you give really great head so he doesn't want to dump you. That doesn't mean he loves you.

Plus, if you are dumb enough to stay with a guy who laces into you, perhaps you need a good cunt kick or two just to knock some sense into your mentally challenged head. I know it is easy to pick on the victim, but maybe you are just that fucking annoying that your boyfriend needs to hit you. I don't know. I'm only a doctor not a psychic.

Listen, you need to go sit down at a 24 Hour Denny's, order yourself a Grand Slam Breakfast, and really think about your current situation. Just about the time you are finishing up your last home fry, you are going to realize that you can do better and you will dump his ass. Just be careful that your lunatic ex doesn't come beat you up one last time for dumping him. That could be ugly.

Oh, and don't be such a nag to your next boy toy, cause he'll probably end up hitting your stank ass too.

The Good Doc is out.