I've got some free time this week so I thought about asking this girl I met at my friends birthday party to go up to the mountains and go for a hike. The impression I got from her was that Im not like the guys she usually dates, but I really think we hit it off and I want to show her that although I am a little overweight I am still an active individual who enjoys the outdoors. So my question lies in how to execute proposing the idea of the trip to her, should I mention it is a friendly thing, or should I make it known that it is a date?
Hank, Provincetown, MA

Coach Dick Rubs replies:
Please do not take any of this commiseratively, I think you are squalid and would like to encourage you to off your third-rate self. However, this is an open question forum and I have been instructed to answer your question to the best of my abilities. In order to even begin to attempt to complete the aforementioned task we need to address the underlying problem. You're a chubby piece of solid waste, a grotty little guy who doesn't get boners because of his type 2 diabetes. So first things first go to the doctors and get a dick pill, for if by some dumb shit luck you do get in this broads pants you're going to want to be ready.

Secondly, lets get another thing straight, you're not, "an active individual" I can tell by the way you fat fingered your question that you eat little Debbie's beneath your desk 3 times a day, and the last time you broke a sweat was when Dance Dance Revolution came out, which you had to stop participating in because of chaffing. For fuck sakes son you're a cake eater, and the quicker you come to terms with this the sooner you will start going after attainable broads, ones who have the same dumpy interests as you, i.e. getting fat and dying before your parents. I'm tired of listing to plump dickheads like you telling me they have "high standards" you shouldn't even be allowed to live never mind mate and god forbid reproduce, you have to realize that no one wants to even get to know who "you are on the inside", as modern day humans we go out find someone who scores the same on the ISA (income*social standing* aesthetic qualities) and make ourselves fall in love. When your flab makes children scared of you, the chances of you getting anyone are pretty slim. But women are dumb so there is always hope...

Surely you will need to tell this young pussy that it is a date, chicks always say yes when caught off guard, and nothing will be more alarming then a load like you standing in front of her. If she says yes, just stop eating, and I if you're thinking, "my mom always said dieting is good but not eating is un-healthy" take all your clothes off and do 20 jumping jacks in front of the mirror, and then you tell me that you shouldn't stop eating. Anorexia is only unhealthy if you're already skinny, so in the case of your thick set self, it can only help.Oh and for God sakes don't go hiking, nothing says the date is over like two helicopters trying to airlift a whale sized fat man from the top of a mountain.