My boyfriend sometimes hits me but I really love him. What should I do?
HAWAIIAN PUNCHED, Honolulu, HI.

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen Punched, unless your boyfriend is Vin Diesel he is not worth staying with if he hits you. That is, unless he is well hung and spends more time pleasuring you with his enormous rod than he does beating you with his gigantic fists.

I have heard from many girls who tell me stories of getting beaten. They say their boyfriends use lines like "I only hit you cause I love you" and "If I don't punch you in the womb you may have this baby." If a man is hitting you, he doesn't love you. He just loves fucking your little pink pussy and can't stand to be around you the rest of the time. Maybe you give really great head so he doesn't want to dump you. That doesn't mean he loves you.

Plus, if you are dumb enough to stay with a guy who laces into you, perhaps you need a good cunt kick or two just to knock some sense into your mentally challenged head. I know it is easy to pick on the victim, but maybe you are just that fucking annoying that your boyfriend needs to hit you. I don't know. I'm only a doctor not a psychic.

Listen, you need to go sit down at a 24 Hour Denny's, order yourself a Grand Slam Breakfast, and really think about your current situation. Just about the time you are finishing up your last home fry, you are going to realize that you can do better and you will dump his ass. Just be careful that your lunatic ex doesn't come beat you up one last time for dumping him. That could be ugly.

Oh, and don't be such a nag to your next boy toy, cause he'll probably end up hitting your stank ass too.

The Good Doc is out.