I just found out my girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 21! What the hell do I do?
Coming Up on Manhood, Beverly, MA

John Zombie replies:
Quite the pickle you’ve gotten yourself into there CUM. Look there is no easy way to tell you this, but your life is most likely over. That is unless your girlfriend is hot. But that would be highly unlikely, because hot girls don’t have babies. Hot girls get abortions; ugly girls are the only ones who get pregnant. Now being a Christian I don’t advise getting an abortion. How would you feel if your parents aborted you? Really, when you think about it, the word “abortion” is fucked up enough in itself. It’s not like you’re aborting a space shuttle launch or some poorly executed IMF covert operation. We’re talking about a living breathing little animal in there! Soulnessness man. My suggestion is that you take responsibility for you actions. And by actions I mean the cum and eggs that is now your life.

The bigger question is, how are you going to raise the little sap sucker? I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t make music that talks about eating flesh, yet only serve vegetables at the dinner table. That can be confusing for a child. Additionally, you shouldn’t replace Sesame Street characters with the perverted creatures of your subconscious and expect them to be suitable. Certainly, “Dragula Street” could never be considered an appropriate substitute for a 3 to 5 year old, nor has it won any public television awards. What the fuck is a dragula anyways? Some kind of car? Well that’s funny, I didn’t see any cars. All I saw were transvestite vampires wearing guy-liner, plundering each other’s shine-boxes and slitting their wrists.

But, I suppose exposure to graphic material was a good thing in retrospect. I mean, you don’t want your kid to pee himself every time he sees blood. In general, you don’t want him to be a little Nancy pants small hands HR officer do you? Who the fuck says, I want to work in human resources when I grow up? Oh yeah, that’s a rewarding profession, telling other sorry fuckers that they can’t take the day off to take their kid skiing. Or, spearheading some internal investigation into a comment that was made offending some overly sensitive
black/gay/female/Hispanic/transgender/white/handicap/male/prostitute/ middle manager who thinks he can advance his pathetic career by claiming to be victimized. Grow a pair, buy my dad’s latest album and get ready for hell you PC bitch.

In short, CUM. Please, if you are going to bring a child into this world, make sure they can stand on their feet. Or, watch their inevitable struggle as they try to suck their way to the top.