The Line Between the World and Us

a letter to the millions of faithful readers, from The God of Thunder

2008-03-07T16:34:00.002-05:00

Dear vast international pop vulture fan community,

I realize that I may have let you down in that I have not responded personally to as many of your questions as would behoove me. I regret that I have great demands on my time as a certified God of Thunder. Rest assured that when I am not fighting epic magic ninja battles to secure the fate of your world, I am thinking hard about you: Otto in Ohio, who is being bullied because he got his right ear pierced without knowing the cultural significance; Marty in Michigan, who wants to know whether to put a potato in the muffler of his step-dad's camaro, or just cut his throat in his sleep; and especially you Fanny in Fargo - keep sending me those 'special pictures.'

In an attempt to prove my devotion to the pop-vulture nation I recently descended from my high perch to visit one lucky reader in person to discuss his issues. Willie in West Oakland had written me a few weeks back about some trouble he was having with his high school geography homework, and, ironically, finding Willie was more difficult than I anticipated.

When I first arrived in beautiful West Oakland I asked the first person I saw, a local crack-head, if he knew Willie, but he couldn't answer because he was using his mouth to tear open paper salt packets to put on a hardboiled egg he was trying to eat in the middle of a busy thoroughfare.

The next person I met was raking his sidewalk while paramedics extracted gunshot victims from the top floor of his duplex. "Willie!? That kid hella stupid. He live two blocks that way." I thanked him for his kindness (he had also told me where I could score some dope) and went on my way.

When I did finally meet Willie, he was sitting on the stoop in front of his building with his eyes rolled back in his head and a needle hanging out of his arm. I assumed he must be diabetic and that his blood sugar was low, so he was napping for a bit. To pass the time I made my way to one of West Oakland's 53 conveniently located liquor stores, talked politics with some locals, and attended a block party where the girls were 'shakin their thangs,' but when I returned Willie was gone. I can only assume he had gone to seek a tutor. Good for you Willie!

Incidentally, I saw an ambulance pull away from in front of Willie's house, but I was too wasted to notice it at the time. I'm sure it was nothing.

Until next time, say not to drugs, at least until you are old enough to claim you are 'peacefully descenting,' then you can do all the drugs you want.

Love,

The God of Thunder

2008-03-07T11:28:00.002-05:00

Lord Jowlmonger VIII says:
No, no, no to the both of your flabbergasting. Reading your prose is like a delicious popover, fancy on the outside but filled with fluffy homo erotic yeast surplus. I say you two remind of the time I walked in on Count Craig Wood of Devonshire and his male knight Eric Bagetta, the village queer. Count Wood had a rare unicorn horn shoved so far into his hind quarters, that he appeared to be a yoked bovine! I say you could store a fortnight of grain in his rectum after the strapping Sir Bagetta finished him off.

If you really wish to gaze under the frock of a pre-teen, you must first entice them to explore the humbling option of the codpiece. It is nearly as delicious as it sounds and it truly accentuates the genitals of a junior knight in training.

2008-03-07T11:21:00.002-05:00

Coach Dick Rubs says:
What kind of knuckle head are you Mr. Tasty 69, (you're not fooling anyone with your clever sum +1 name) Mr. Shwety Balzac, its all about function and comfort. Have you ever seen a young man with a chaffed grundle? A case of jock itch so bad you couldn't tell if he had been blown by raccoon or been jerked of by Edward Scissor Hands? If bleeding from your undercarriage doesn't stop you from wearing those damn boxers let me tell you about my college roommate.

Back in the, "days of your" when I was playing college football, we were all about being as masculine as possible; wearing boxers, not showering, not orally consuming pussy, drinking beer instead of Gatorade, peeing on our friends heads when they were passed out, listening to the Beach Boys so loud the RA's would flip their shit and nearly commit suicide. Things went as such for sometime until my roommate came to me with a little problem, he exclaimed, "Dick! My balls hurt so much when I try and have sex that sometimes I just fake ejaculate, pull out and apologize for my issues with pre-mature ejaculation." I told him he was a pussy and he should drink a beer. His girlfriend told him otherwise and after a short visit with the RN on campus he was diagnosed with Polio and died later that semester. There is 3 lessons to be learned from all of this, wear briefs, shower and don't listing to women, otherwise you'll get Polio.

Hit the showers!
Coach Dickey Rubs

2008-03-06T23:59:00.001-05:00

Dear PopVultures, boxers or briefs? Many thanks,
Mr. Schwety Balzac

mrtasty68+1 replies:
A tantalizing question suited just for me. When talking about undergarments u need to decide: style or cumfort? In anal-yzing style, u need to consider the situation. For the most part people will not c your underwear but that doesnt mean that u shouldnt be fun with them! lol! Black underwear will most likely cover up most embarassing stains in case any situations arise where they will be seen. Black boxers and briefs both look good hanging out of pants or shorts or mouths - because theyre meant 2 be hidden doesnt mean have to be as they can be a very stylish and sexy accessory with all outfits. 2 really show off the undies I would advocate boys wear a shorter shirt, maybe 1 that goes just above the belly button 2 show off a treasure trail if 1 has begun. Another way 2 draw attention 2 the fundies (rofl) is 2 wear tight pants, the tighter the better. Tight pants can be real magnifying in certain areas which means we can be friends, lol!!!

Since cumfort and style go hand in hand we can continue this. Personally, I think the most cumfortable underwear is none at all. That's right, I wear none at all, it makes things quicker. At the pajama parties I throw when school is canceled due 2 snow or phoned in bomb threats, I like it when my friends are cumfortable. Boxers, briefs, thongs - they all cum in Mickey Mouse and Calvin and Hobbes designs which are all the rage at recess, look good sticking out of tight pants, and look better when fully visible at my parties. I find that button flies are a pain and restrict proper air flow. Stay away from them! The best part about underwear is that it cums off so easy when u need it 2, handy dandy!

My answer is that it doesnt matter if u wear boxers or briefs as long as: they look good, they are cumfortable, and you cum to my pajama parties in them! If you want to cum, which you do because I do, then hit me up at mrtasty68+1 and make sure there are no POS, lmao!!!

2008-01-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

My fiancé and I are planning a destination wedding, and what we were planning was that the wedding party would stay 4 days and three nights. On the third night would be the ceremony and the wedding party would say goodbye to us that night since our honeymoon has begun and go home so that we may have our honeymoon at the destination for the next seven days. My mother in law insists on staying ten minutes away during the honeymoon with children from the bride's High School boyfriend, extending her vacation for the next 7 days. She is paying for her own flights and hotel. I don't know how to react to this. I certainly do not want my mother in law nor anyone else even in the vicinity of our honeymoon. What do I do?
Kenny the Koward, Crater Falls, Kansas

Coach Dick Rubs replies:
You're in deep son. Mother in laws don't make friends they just make problems. What you have to remember is "mother in laws" are women, so believe it or not, they have vaginas too. Except these are the kind of snooches you can't pound, oh no, these ones will just annoy the balls off of you until you finally give up, get bombed off a liter of Wild Turkey and orally beat the shit out of her.

These women who make up the class of mother in laws, aren't as tough as they like to think they are. By acting out and pretending you don't matter they are rebelling against the men who controlled there lives for 25 years. What must be recalled is that the men of their generation still partook in many of the great social laws that were set down by our Protestant forefathers "no foreplay, and only men get off". So unless you want to give your mother in law the first orgasm off her life, you're chained to the ball of sheep's existence.

I'll tell you son, you can either tell this whore off before she packs up your wife and kids and moves to Missouri with them or bang the shit out of her and end up on the Sally Jessie Raphael show in the middle of a love triangle. One things for certain, that pussies angry and it aint going to go away on its own, you control your fate on this one. So until you off the bitch or get her off you're going to be controlled by a vage. Remember a women doesn't have a pussy, it has you.
Give me 20- Coach

2008-01-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

I just turned 16 but have recently begun interacting with a 34-year old man I met over myspace. He tells me I am so pretty and I am in love with him. I think we should meet, but I don't want him to meet me and hate me. What should I do?
Surfing for a man, Middlebury, Vt.

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen honey, when I was your age I too was looking for Mr. Right in all the wrong places. But in your case it sounds like you found him.

Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Now I'm sure that family and friends alike have told you that this guy is probably more like 56 and balding with a beer belly that would make Richard Simmons lose an erection quicker than Michael Jackson in a nursing home. They are probably telling you that this man is dangerous and giving you some spiel about internet predators.

Well sweety, Dr. Joyce is going to let you in on a little secret: Love can be tough, and sometimes you have to get raped by a seedy old man you meet on the internet in order to find a great guy online who will treat you like a princess.

You are old enough now to know what is right in your heart. It sounds like you really love this man and if he loves you now, he will surely love you twice as much after he meets you and finds out that you really are 16 and really do have a 16-year old pussy waiting for him between your thighs.

So get out there and make love happen.

The Doctor is out

2008-01-19T01:22:00.000-05:00

I own a 1994 Geo Prism. Any suggestions as to what sweet things I can do with my new ride?
Lively Young Lad

Goth Kid replies:
Sweet things? What's a sweet thing anyway? Sweet is a physiological response by the human tongue to certain chemicals, a taste sensation, that's all. A sensation is a feeling, it's only a lie created by the government to sell flowers and chocolate that go on the polished cherry tables so common in the nuclear family household as part of the "American Dream." If only the nuclear family was a lot less family and a lot more nuclear so the unstable particles shot through every flesh being on this spherical wasteland, mutating every human into a tormented skin sac so they all can finally feel the agony that courses through my veins like a lethal injection.

Cars are machines, gears and cogs creating a mechanism that moves back and forth like every John and Jane Doe to their corporate graves. I had a car once. When I sat in that pleather bucket seat I became part of the machine, part of this conformist world that runs on the liquid remains of every decaying being that wandered aimlessly toward that final pit of despair.

So you want to know some "sweet" things to do with that car? Put on your black clothes, black eyeliner, and skull earrings, drive to the nearest mall parking lot, get your goth friends in the car with you, run a tube from the exhaust pipe into the front window, play Marilyn Manson, turn the key, and enjoy your last minutes of gloom before eternal darkness envelops you. Or do some donuts.

2008-01-17T10:36:00.000-05:00

I just found out my girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 21! What the hell do I do?
Coming Up on Manhood, Beverly, MA

John Zombie replies:
Quite the pickle you’ve gotten yourself into there CUM. Look there is no easy way to tell you this, but your life is most likely over. That is unless your girlfriend is hot. But that would be highly unlikely, because hot girls don’t have babies. Hot girls get abortions; ugly girls are the only ones who get pregnant. Now being a Christian I don’t advise getting an abortion. How would you feel if your parents aborted you? Really, when you think about it, the word “abortion” is fucked up enough in itself. It’s not like you’re aborting a space shuttle launch or some poorly executed IMF covert operation. We’re talking about a living breathing little animal in there! Soulnessness man. My suggestion is that you take responsibility for you actions. And by actions I mean the cum and eggs that is now your life.

The bigger question is, how are you going to raise the little sap sucker? I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t make music that talks about eating flesh, yet only serve vegetables at the dinner table. That can be confusing for a child. Additionally, you shouldn’t replace Sesame Street characters with the perverted creatures of your subconscious and expect them to be suitable. Certainly, “Dragula Street” could never be considered an appropriate substitute for a 3 to 5 year old, nor has it won any public television awards. What the fuck is a dragula anyways? Some kind of car? Well that’s funny, I didn’t see any cars. All I saw were transvestite vampires wearing guy-liner, plundering each other’s shine-boxes and slitting their wrists.

But, I suppose exposure to graphic material was a good thing in retrospect. I mean, you don’t want your kid to pee himself every time he sees blood. In general, you don’t want him to be a little Nancy pants small hands HR officer do you? Who the fuck says, I want to work in human resources when I grow up? Oh yeah, that’s a rewarding profession, telling other sorry fuckers that they can’t take the day off to take their kid skiing. Or, spearheading some internal investigation into a comment that was made offending some overly sensitive
black/gay/female/Hispanic/transgender/white/handicap/male/prostitute/ middle manager who thinks he can advance his pathetic career by claiming to be victimized. Grow a pair, buy my dad’s latest album and get ready for hell you PC bitch.

In short, CUM. Please, if you are going to bring a child into this world, make sure they can stand on their feet. Or, watch their inevitable struggle as they try to suck their way to the top.

2008-01-15T09:31:00.000-05:00

I never smoked weed before but since entering college have been peer-pressured into smoking. So far I have said no but it is getting harder. What should I do?
Mary Doesn't Want Jane

T. LeDoyt replies:
I was in the same position as you once, except I decided not to go to college and to pursue fame, fortune, and snuff. Haven't you seen the commercials on what marijuana can do to you? You may end up showing your friend your dad's handgun or ending up flat and deflated on the couch watching cartoons. Are either of those that bad? I know you're saying, "T., I don't want my friend to shoot himself/herself in the face and, T., I don't want to look like an anorexic skinbag." You may think that losing a friend to a self-inflicted, non-suicidal gunshot would be tragic, but you aren't really going to be so high that you decide playing with guns is a good idea. And so what if you are an amorphous blob of worthlessness on the couch, at least you're not fat.

The real issue here is the idea of marijuana being a gateway drug. One time I was with my buddies on the last show of a tour and Eddie removed a bag of green from his pocket and suggested we get lifted. Being The King, I had no idea what lifted was and I suggested he stop using his stupid Northeast colloquialisms and get to the damn point. I was tired of singing Hound Dog to waves of sea donkeys in the crowd and needed to get the edge off. Eddie cut through the crap ribbons and told me it was marijuana and that it would make ribs and fried chicken taste better. I told Eddie nothing could make ribs and fried chicken taste better and that I need these lungs to sing. We threw Eddie off the tour bus for suggesting The King ruin his pipes and made him sing Love Me Tender backwards on the side of Route 73 just outside of Otway, Kentucky, before letting him back on. That's when Clarence broke out the blow. I need my lungs, but I don't need my nasal cavity.

It's time for a little less conversation and a lot more action from you. Skip the weed. Go for the coke and sedatives. You'll be more alert than your stoner friends and you won't have your ribs and fried chicken tainted. Then, when your friends take out that marijuana, you can take out the serious stuff and pressure them into it. And when they don't, call them pussies.

2008-01-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

I had sex with my friends dad last week, and I'm not really sure how to go about telling my buddy. I mean we were always best friends growing up, playing baseball, soccer and all kinds boyhood things. Things did change as we got older and I went to college and started experimenting, we stopped talking a little, but I still consider myself fairly close to him. How should I tell him that his Dad and I are an item?

Phil, San Fransisco, CA

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
You are in a very difficult position Phil. Not so much with your best friend, but rather because you are a pickle smoker.
Will your friend be more pissed that you are fucking his father or that he may have changed in the same locker room as you while playing some of your boyhood sports?
I mean, chances are he knows his father is a homo because his parents are divorced and he now calls his fathers' best friend "Uncle Henry." I'm sure he has been rifling through his fathers drawer, perhaps trying to steal a little money for cocaine, when he stumbled upon a dildo with shit stains on it. And he's probably not stupid and has put two and two together.
But just think of the the trauma you will inflict on him when he thinks back to that time after the big baseball game where you hit a walkoff homerun and he was the first to meet you at the plate after you rounded the bases and you two embraced and he felt a little poke in his leg but he figured it was just your cup until later when he noticed you weren't wearing a cup but he just shrugged it off.
Or how about that time you two showered together after football practice and you made the comment, "Nice Penis." Sure, he thought you were just fucking around then, but what is he going to think now. He won't be able to get the thought out of his head that perhaps you went home and beat off while thinking about his meat stick.
If you really love his father, you are by no means required to stop seeing him. Just know it will probably mean an end to your friendship. If this is just a fling, because you like to get pounded in the ass, perhaps you should put an end to it before you lose your friend.
Even though you'd be doing him a favor if you broke off the friendship. I mean who wants to be friends with a fudgepacker.
The Doctor is out!

2008-01-09T16:09:00.000-05:00

I've got some free time this week so I thought about asking this girl I met at my friends birthday party to go up to the mountains and go for a hike. The impression I got from her was that Im not like the guys she usually dates, but I really think we hit it off and I want to show her that although I am a little overweight I am still an active individual who enjoys the outdoors. So my question lies in how to execute proposing the idea of the trip to her, should I mention it is a friendly thing, or should I make it known that it is a date?
Hank, Provincetown, MA

Coach Dick Rubs replies:
Please do not take any of this commiseratively, I think you are squalid and would like to encourage you to off your third-rate self. However, this is an open question forum and I have been instructed to answer your question to the best of my abilities. In order to even begin to attempt to complete the aforementioned task we need to address the underlying problem. You're a chubby piece of solid waste, a grotty little guy who doesn't get boners because of his type 2 diabetes. So first things first go to the doctors and get a dick pill, for if by some dumb shit luck you do get in this broads pants you're going to want to be ready.

Secondly, lets get another thing straight, you're not, "an active individual" I can tell by the way you fat fingered your question that you eat little Debbie's beneath your desk 3 times a day, and the last time you broke a sweat was when Dance Dance Revolution came out, which you had to stop participating in because of chaffing. For fuck sakes son you're a cake eater, and the quicker you come to terms with this the sooner you will start going after attainable broads, ones who have the same dumpy interests as you, i.e. getting fat and dying before your parents. I'm tired of listing to plump dickheads like you telling me they have "high standards" you shouldn't even be allowed to live never mind mate and god forbid reproduce, you have to realize that no one wants to even get to know who "you are on the inside", as modern day humans we go out find someone who scores the same on the ISA (income*social standing* aesthetic qualities) and make ourselves fall in love. When your flab makes children scared of you, the chances of you getting anyone are pretty slim. But women are dumb so there is always hope...

Surely you will need to tell this young pussy that it is a date, chicks always say yes when caught off guard, and nothing will be more alarming then a load like you standing in front of her. If she says yes, just stop eating, and I if you're thinking, "my mom always said dieting is good but not eating is un-healthy" take all your clothes off and do 20 jumping jacks in front of the mirror, and then you tell me that you shouldn't stop eating. Anorexia is only unhealthy if you're already skinny, so in the case of your thick set self, it can only help.Oh and for God sakes don't go hiking, nothing says the date is over like two helicopters trying to airlift a whale sized fat man from the top of a mountain.

2007-12-20T18:08:00.000-05:00

I had sex with my friend's dad last week, and I'm not really sure how to go about telling my buddy. I mean we were always best friends growing up, playing baseball, soccer and all kinds of boyhood things. Things did change as we got older and I went to college and started experimenting, we stopped talking a little, but I still consider myself fairly close to him. How should I tell him that his Dad and I are an item?

PHIL, San Francisco, CA

Erva the Intolerant Geriatric replies:
By the way you spell your cognomen I am apt to assume that you are a male as I have a friend named Phyllis who goes by Phyl on occasion and, after conferring with her at our weekly bridge game, have concluded that no respectable woman would spell it 'Phil.' I am also in assumption that you are sending this question as it may lead to the conclusion that you are a homosexual. There is nothing wrong with that - unless you have no problem going to Hell. But why should that bother you? Damn queers have been running amok for years now beginning with the damn idea of 'free love' introduced by those atheist hippies when rock music began to pollute the radio waves.

Our benevolent God has no place in the world for damn queers like you. My late brother Abner said he had 'thoughts' about another man while in the war and he committed himself to gay camp as soon as he returned. The blessed priests that cured him of the gay confiscated all of his gay paraphernalia including his shaving cream tubes with male simulacra and his Sears Roebuck catalogue. After weeks of prayer and repenting came home with an understanding of true love and a desire to court a young lady.

You should not tell your friend, you should never tell another soul except the wise men at your local diocese. They can help you become human again and lead you towards a sin-free lifestyle in which love for your fellow Catholic and an obedient wife will be all you need. As for your friend's father, he needs to be outed with discretion as you have been put on the right path and you need not attention cast in your direction. As a father, he should know better than to succumb to the temptations of God's creations and since we know he is a sinner he must be punished. Find a way to tell his family, perhaps an anonymous parchment detailing his activities, and they shall shun him as well. Make it known at his work so that in any direction he should turn there will be a vengeful eye doing Our Lord's work. Once he feels the smite bearing on him he shall turn to our way or understand that the only valiant way to go will be euthanasia by means of the underside of a trolley car. Just like Abner.

2007-12-17T16:01:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend sometimes hits me but I really love him. What should I do?
HAWAIIAN PUNCHED, Honolulu, HI.

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen Punched, unless your boyfriend is Vin Diesel he is not worth staying with if he hits you. That is, unless he is well hung and spends more time pleasuring you with his enormous rod than he does beating you with his gigantic fists.

I have heard from many girls who tell me stories of getting beaten. They say their boyfriends use lines like "I only hit you cause I love you" and "If I don't punch you in the womb you may have this baby." If a man is hitting you, he doesn't love you. He just loves fucking your little pink pussy and can't stand to be around you the rest of the time. Maybe you give really great head so he doesn't want to dump you. That doesn't mean he loves you.

Plus, if you are dumb enough to stay with a guy who laces into you, perhaps you need a good cunt kick or two just to knock some sense into your mentally challenged head. I know it is easy to pick on the victim, but maybe you are just that fucking annoying that your boyfriend needs to hit you. I don't know. I'm only a doctor not a psychic.

Listen, you need to go sit down at a 24 Hour Denny's, order yourself a Grand Slam Breakfast, and really think about your current situation. Just about the time you are finishing up your last home fry, you are going to realize that you can do better and you will dump his ass. Just be careful that your lunatic ex doesn't come beat you up one last time for dumping him. That could be ugly.

Oh, and don't be such a nag to your next boy toy, cause he'll probably end up hitting your stank ass too.

The Good Doc is out.

2007-11-28T16:26:00.000-05:00

I overheard my mother and father fighting the other day because my mom walked in on my dad watching a "snuff film." What is that?
CURIOUSITY SNUFFED THE CAT

T. LeDoyt replies:
I believe I'm well suited to answer this query. A snuff film is the greatest genre of film, ever. Among my many fames (singer, songwriter, model, barbeque sauce mogul) is a lead acting role in many of the most famous snuff films. Some of my greatest roles are in the films 'The Trouble With Girls (is Life);' 'No Viva Las Vegas;' 'Live a Little, Snuff a Little;' 'Harum Snuffum;' 'Love Me Snuffder;' and 'T. Ledoyt: Life of a Real Man.' A snuff film is considered a lost genre of film because there are so few actors and actresses left that it is mainly an underground activity rarely funded by studios leaving the producers and actors with a small budget.

Your mom is likely upset by the supposed poor treatment of women in these films as its roots lie in the late 19th Century where women were seen as male property and lesser beings. This is simply not true. It is impossible to see these as anything other than a celebration of life as it is a fleeting and wonderous thing. Women tend to view snuff in its base understanding as degrading and horrific when, in fact, modern snuff has traveled far from its beginnings and has evolved into an artform. The modern snuff film is tasteful and prodigious in its portrayals and continues to push the limits of what should be acceptable in society. It is a genre, mind you, but is more of a progressive movement of mankind towards the ultimate goal of happiness.

Your mother should not be mad at your father, she should be supportive and, even, gleeful that he chooses to be a part of the betterment of what can be seen as a sometimes cynical world. Tell your father that you want to be a part of his activities, a part of the snuff movement, and a part of a better life.

2007-11-24T12:14:00.001-05:00

I have an embarrassing problem. Lately I have been masturbating to internet sites that feature animals having sex with humans. I am afraid that someone may find out about this, but right now I am having the best orgasms I have ever had. What should I do.
SPANKING MY MONKEY TO MONKEYS, St. Paul, Minn.

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen, many people have somewhat strange fetishes. I mean I enjoy watching a pair of men dressed in clown suits fellate each other.

While your fetish is a bit different then what I enjoy, since it focuses on animals, don't be upset. There wouldn't be these sorts of websites out there if there wasn't sick perverts like yourself looking at them.

Next time you are chocking the ole' chicken, just think, some neck in Nebraska is probably doing the same thing right now. Just think of all 400 pounds of him, sitting in his flannel shirt and long john bottoms, with his stubby cock in his hand, beating off while looking at a woman give head to a horse.

While pleasuring yourself in your home is not hurting anyone other than your dick which has by now probably turned a pale shade of purple, you don't want to make this "fantasy" world turn into a reality. If you find yourself driving to work and you see a woman walking a dog and you think to yourself, "Self, wouldn't it be great if we kidnapped that woman and forced her to lick that dog's butthole while I beat off," then you may have a problem. That is where your sick fantasy begins to hurt other people.

So for now, enjoy what you are doing. Chances are you will get over this fetish of yours or you will eventually get arrested for starting a sheep fucking cult.

2007-11-20T12:13:00.001-05:00

Who is my real father?
RICHIE, Woodstock, NY

Goth Kid replies:
Fathers? Let me tell you something about fathers. A father is the guy who looks at you and says, "What would you like for dinner?" Dinner, huh? Why doesn't he just ask me why I put on black make-up and dress in black and have no soul? Why doesn't he tell me what he really means, that I was an accident on the night the condom broke when he and my "mother" were celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary by drinking Franzia and eating crappy Thai food and that I was their "favorite accident?" Favorite? They must be joking like when the so-called "God" thought he could impose his fascist beliefs on the world saying that the Devil is bad and Hell is an awful place when, in fact, it is the only place that welcomes tortured souls like my own like the jaws of a rabid wolf welcome the taste of mortal flesh. My father should just tell me that I am not as good as my brother and that the world would be a better place (if that's even possible, as it's just the dump where decaying bodies gather flies and maggots and get recycled into this never-ending pit of despair) without me. I know how he feels about me, that is, if I've ever really been able to feel. He wishes I were dead so that he, my mother, and my brother could continue their jaded existences without my atheism challenging their hopes of utopia. The only perfect world is one where I'm alone to wallow in my own misery - then and only then can I be happy.

Richie, the only reason you should have for wanting to find your father is so that you could thank him for abandoning you to spare you the feelings of doubt and shame he'd cast at you. And you shouldn't have to thank him; he brought you into this Ken and Barbie facade of a world where hope runs rampant like the sheep traveling back and forth from their jobs to their families to their jobs to their families with never the thought of why they participate in this conformist regime or why hope exists when the only end will be death. My true family is the one frowned upon by the curds of conformist society. With Darkness as my father and Death as my mother I will eagerly await what they have in store for me. Who cares who your father is? You have a new family now and we will hate each other as plain as black and white, and you will die, and that will be your only true solace.

2007-11-19T17:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Pop Vultures,
My friend keeps telling the same joke, over and over. He won't stop! Everywhere I go with him he will tell it. "Wanna CD?" and the person will reply in the positive, and he will respond, "Wanna see deez nuts?" I can't take it any more. He beat the horse to death and is continuing to maim its corpse. How can I tell him that this joke is stupid, it's always been stupid, and will always be stupid?
CHOKING ON JOKE - ERIE, PA

Lord Jowlmonger VIII replies:
So, you have a jester on your hands who won’t hush his commonplace prattling? Undoubtedly, his repeated episodes of nincompooping are making you redder than Saint George’s Cross with a side of pumpernickel jam! Oh, I too have gazed out the window of a companion’s persistence and like Speed 2: Cruise Control, I was duly unimpressed. Your question reminds of when I was studying under the Vicar of Turnstable at Westminster. During my year of schooling, I met a young maiden who was none other than sister of Lady Meredith Steamytaint! I know you must be in disbelief, but my jowls utter true. It wasn’t long before we were tiptoeing into each other’s chambers for barbarian style coitus! Oh the ecstasy! However, it wasn’t long before she started to develop a troubling obsession. During the course our genital gorging romps, the young vixen took to fingering my urethra, or what you Westerns refer to as “pee-hole.” At first I was excited at this rather randy exploration of the human form, but soon I contracted horrible pustules and fungal growths. My pubic hair grew substantially and as a result caused what you Westerns may call, “hair-up-the-tree.” I subsequently ended my relationship with the raucous maiden, taking with me a valuable lesson: an ingrown hair in the gunt, is worth two in the heat rash.

Highest regards,

LJ

2007-11-19T10:16:00.000-05:00

How come you never really answer anyone's questions? You guys simply make fun of people and tell them to do stupid ridiculous things. How about some real advice, anyone can run a blog that just makes fun of people, but it takes true talent to be the next Ann Landers.
ODD AND STANDOFFISH

The Editor replies:
We, The Pop Vultures, resent the notion that we provide poor advice as do our panel of professionals. Each of them has read the question and each is genuinely offended by your suggestion, but, as we answer questions sent to us out of our desire to help, your accusation will be addressed as any other question would be.

As is our mission goal, "We guide the provision of advice by divvying submitted questions to a panel of professionals;" these professionals are, "experts in their respective fields and answer the questions based both on who we feel would provide the most thorough answer and, situationally, the best advice." The questions sent to us undergo analysis in a private forum within our offices by our panel and it is they who decide which of them would be able to offer the best solution, not us. We trust our panel as they have proven to us through their own work and our screening process that they are able and excellent advice-givers and life-changers. We have received numerous congratulations and thank-you's for the guidance our panelists have provided from those that came to us with problems. In fact, you are the first naysayer in our quest of changing the world for the better.

But we are not here to criticize you for your criticisms of us. No, your quandry will be answered as any other is with the only difference being that, as you have personally and professionaly attacked our panelists, we, the editors, The Pop Vultures, will respond to your issue. We personally make sure that the answers are professional and directed towards helping and trust our panel to do the same. We do not feel we "make fun of people and tell them to do stupid ridiculous things" - this is advice given by real people who have lived their lives until this point gaining experience and now have the express goal of helping you, the public. With that in mind, you must understand that they are people too; they are not omnipotent beings that can see into the futures of the people that need help, they just offer advice to the best of their ability, and we have this panel because of their superb abilities to affect the world for the better.

Now that your grievance has been aired we hope that you have a better understanding of our goal and a new appreciation of the advice we have given and will continue to give.

The Pop Vultures

2007-11-15T15:59:00.000-05:00

I just turned 28 and I'm going on my first date this weekend with a really hot chick, but, being inexperienced, I am not sure how I can get her in my house to have sex with her without my mom hearing the basement door slam. She hates to be woken up, and I'm sure my new girlfriend will be screaming with pleasure all night. How do I please both my mom and my date at the same time?
LOUD AND NOT SO PROUD - Peoria, IL

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
Listen friend, at the moment you have bigger issues than trying to sneak past your mother with some hussy you brought to a Dairy Queen and who will now submit to you quicker than the French in World War II. How about the fact that you are 28 and still live with your mom. I'm guessing that she still cooks you grilled cheese's for lunch and has to wash the skid marks out of your spongebob boxer shorts. You want to know how to please both women in your life, how bout this: Get a motherfuckin job and an apartment and then lace it to your little lady in the privacy of your own home.

If this is out of reach because you work as the night manager at a gas station and all of your money is put towards your two addictions; Pokeman and weed, then I have some useful advice for you still.

One, crush up 10 sleeping pills and mix them into your mothers nightly oatmeal snack. After this you will have all the privacy you will ever need.

If this doesn't work, tell your girlfriend to lose 20 pounds and then sneak her through the tiny basement window. I am sure she could stand to drop a few pounds anyway. You don't want her ass looking like cottage cheese now do you?

If you are looking for still another way, use your actual penis to have sex with her instead of pulling out a 10 inch dildo when she is not looking. Your penis is only three inches long and in no way will ever get this girl screaming. If she does scream, she is faking. Tell her to knock it off before she wakes up your mom.

If nothing else works, tell her your mom has the bubonic plague and that you will have to get a hotel room to have your little tryst in. Then steal the money out of your moms purse when she is cooking you a grilled cheese and make sure to nut all over this whores pretty little face. She probably likes that shit.

Until next time, Happy Fucking.

2007-11-14T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'm looking to start up a business. I have motivation and funding but no idea. I am 45-year-old man with experience in many business-related fields and a Bachelor's in Economics and a Master's in Media Relations. I have a broad spectrum of interests and wish to help people and make money. What should I do?
BENTLEY GRAD - Waltham, MA

Cloud Moss replies:
Would you like to help people or make money? If you are truly interested in helping people, come join my worldwide coalition. We are developing a large scale music festival to support pocket-composting, animal rights, raw vegan lifestyles, harmonic inner prize health supplements and the arrest and public execution of Dick Cheney. You could for once use your "education" to help some people who really need it. You will have to be willing to change your outlook if you are going to work to help people the way that I have dedicated this life to. It is important to be able to adjust your "economics" bachelor degree way of thinking into the way things truly work, i.e. barter value of live Phish tapes, market value of organic Himalayan gogi berry juice vs. Chinese gogi berry juice, you see where I'm going right? Helping others can be the most rewarding part of life, but first you need to help yourself. Watch your enzyme levels, and be aware of the nutrients and bacteria escape when your food is cooked. Be sure to consume only uncooked, fully chewed fruits, nuts, avocados and soaked cereal grains. And if you're writing looking for advice on how to make tons of money and become another sheep in the fascist Wall-Street run Euro-centric indigenous-raping early grave of a bile-pot, be my fucking guest, but don't expect Her to forgive you when you choke on the portraits of slave-traders that you and your oil soaked war chiefs throw at each other.

Namaste.

2007-11-14T21:14:00.001-05:00

Is Elvis really dead?
PRISCILLA, GRACELAND, NJ

T. LeDoyt replies:
Uh-huh, this is one I can answer. Many people believe that Elvis Aaron Presley was born January 8, 1935, and passed on to a pill-infused, fried chicken Heaven August 16, 1977. That idea is all shook up - no more should this travesty of a rumor be passed on from the red country to blue Hawaii. From his roles in 'Love Me Tender' to 'Change of Habit,' he accrued many stunt doubles and lookalikes that could mimic him to a T. They could be him. If I were alive when he was people would've mistaken us as brothers, as twins, and we would've toured as The Presleys. The fact of the matter is on that particular day at Graceland a stunt double was used, one that was a perfect match to The King (we could've been The Kings). That man was Ralph Barlow - Elvis's twin brother! Now that the secret has been unearthed the story can be told.

Elvis and Ralph were born together in East Tupelo, Mississippi, and it was trouble from the start. Ralph was a uppity child and used to hit his brother when they played. One time the two were playing and Ralph stole Elvis's nookie, diapered him (that pantsing, for infants), and shoved the sucker up his bum. Their parents became worried when Elvis didn't poop for 9 days and finally figured it out when they caught Ralph pumping the nookie like a piston in and out of Elvis's ass. They deemed them Adam and Evil. Ralph was put up for adoption the very next day. Elvis's parents never spoke a word of Ralph to him ever.

Ralph was adopted by a dirt farmer in Nebraska and was raised in that manner. It was not until Ralph was 22 that he found out he was adopted and that he held an uncanny resemblance to the up-and-coming King. It took him 10 years to convince his brother that they were twins and their reunion was kept a secret. Ralph lived happily as an Elvis impersonator and was worried as his brother was on the decline. He opted to do to his body what Elvis was doing to his: drugs, chicken, and pudding. The day before Elvis supposedly passed on he had a heart attack and needed a heart transplant. Knowing that Elvis's persona would live on and that Ralph's success was due completely to his brother's fame, Ralph heroically offered his heart to his brother to continue living life.

Elvis swore off his suicidal lifestyle and continued life as an Elvis impersonator. He once saw me performing and decided to take me under his wing. He taught me to play every song, act in every role, and anal. In 1995 he knew he was going to die and left me instructions: he asked me as his prized protege to pay homage to his brother and the gift he gave him by a transfer of his soul to mine. On December 26, 1995, Canada's Boxing Day, Elvis Aaron Presley passed away and I followed out his orders: I orally consumed his entire body and crafted his bones into a guitar case covered in blue suede.

Elvis is not dead. He lives on. In me.

2007-11-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

The big company golf tournament is this weekend. I'm no Jack Nicklaus, but I've got a pretty low handicap. Should I beat my boss if I get the chance?

The God of Thunder replies:
Since you attached no name to your query I'm forced to assume that you ARE in fact Jack Nicklaus. Never the less, I've thought long and hard... pardon me I seem to have gotten distracted for a moment. Were was I? Oh yes, your question.

The answer is quite simple Jack! Take that 9 iron out of your ass and beat yourself to death with it. Pardon my saying so, but who the fuck cares about your golf match with the boss. Either way you've probably got yourself a 401k and a trophy wife. By the way, she's cheating on you. Don't believe me? Ask her about that stain on the living room carpet.

How you corporate Fausts can feel sorry for yourselves is beyond me. If you really want my advice, ditch the golf game, buy a dogeared copy of "On the Road" and hitchhike through this great nation of ours with naught but the tailored shirt on your back. That way your wife and I can finally have the alone time we deserve.

2007-11-12T18:21:00.000-05:00

My friends and I are trying to start a fad where one takes a bottle or can of Twisted Tea and pounds it, the stipulation being that it can only touch you lips once. We call it one-touching. How do we spread the word that this isn't dumb?
TOUCHING WITH EACH OTHER

mrtasty68+1 replies:
This is a great question, LOL. 1 time I created a drink 2 share with my friends. 1 Friday night when they didn't feel like going 2 the teen center they sent me a message: "wut u up 2?" I asked, "WTMUIRL?" After Mapquesting my address they came over and wanted something 2 make our time more fun. I went 2 the closest liqour store and picked up a 12-pack of Raspberry Smirnoff Ice and then 2 the drug store and bought a big bottle of NyQuil. I call it sippy juice. I mixed it in an empty gallon bottle on my ride home and thrusted it at my friends when I arrived. I used the same sort of technique you're describing, having them touch it 2 their lips once but before they finished they were 2 tired to do anything. Luckily, I was able to stay awake and make sure they got 2 bed. I even filmed them so it would be like a video yearbook we could share! I watched them sleep 2 make sure they were ok, which was good because they were all confused where they were and thought their parents would be angry. We all hugged and they walked home. I've been sharing sippy juice with my friends ever since!

Wut you need 2 do is share your drink with others. I find that the younger crowd is more likely 2 try new drinks and if 1 of them likes it they will spread the word. Find yourself some younger friends and then make them drink it. Film them and then show your other friends that your drink is fun. And if they don't like it, drug em. JK. ROFL. :-)

2007-11-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

The other morning after my daily pick-up basketball game at the local Youth Men's Christian Association, I was showering with the guys and happened to check out one of their "dongs." I did not say anything then, but deep down I had a burning in my groin region. I have always been with women, and based on my muscle mass, I will continue to pull pussy for many a day. Was my first thought gay? Please let me know so I can stop scrubbing my eyes with bleach.
THE HAPPY GAY NOT THE GAY GAY - Manitoba, Canada

Straightpants Sinatra replies:
So there partner, you happened to glance at another man's genitals. I don't see no problem with that, unless of course you are feeling the urge to put on your mom's panties and attend a Marilyn Manson show like the rest of these liberal sallies. My buddy Travis and I shower together all the time. But we also drink Budweiser and cum inside women. Just because I see Travis's taut shoulders and lower back on a daily basis doesn't mean I have "the gay". In fact, it doesn't bother me at all to see the way Travis struggles to get his wet thighs into his tight Wrangler jeans. I would say we have the best conversations in the locker room, alone, after a long day, together, alone. . .

You see it's the goddamn left-wingers who say it's alright to be a flaming homo. That's what it is, plain as pie. Tell you what, you come on down to my neck of the woods and see if you find any of those tree-hugging Commies. Back in my daddy's time, you wouldn't here none of that queer talk. That's back when men were men and women knew it. And you didn't have to get your wife off neither. She was just glad to be apart of the family.

You just need to get yourself a slam pig with perky tits and throat that goes for miles. If you still think you ain't cured, then go to football game or wrestling match. See some real men exhibit their manhood while they grapple and rub against each other. That'll make you think twice about looking at another man's junk.

2007-11-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

I met a girl at a party last night and this morning I woke up with a
rash on my balls. What should I do?
YEARNING AND BURNING

Dr. Joyce Smotherbox replies:
First off, let me congratulate you on pulling some inebriated skank who was probably too impaired to know any better than to succumb to your wiles. You shouldn't be surprised by the "present" she left you with, as I am sure you are not the first guy she has tangoed with late into the night. Do not worry though, as I have had this question in the past, making me more than able to help you in your current situation.

The last young man I had with this type of quandary had a rather unique story. After playing World of Warcraft for 36 straight hours he decided to partake in some exercise, which of course led him to his local Lazer Tag arena. While playing, he met a portly girl named Randy who he teamed up with to take down the competition.

After hitting it off, the two decided to leave and, after having a quick bite at Sbarro, went back to the young man's lair and began playing their own version of "lazer tag."

The boy awoke the next morning with redness in his scrotum. Thinking at first that it was simply chaffed from Lazer Tag. He finally contacted me and, as I now must do for you, I had to inform him that he had AIDS and will die.

2007-11-09T15:46:00.000-05:00

Two of my coworkers are having an illicit tryst and I am feeling conflicted. Should I ‘out’ their sordid affair to the rest of the office? What I would really like to do is join in. How can I squeeze my way into their fun time?
(UNLUCKY) PIERRE, CUBICLE #3, SEDONA, AZ

Erva the Intolerant Geriatric replies:
I assume that by an "illicit tryst" you are referring to activities displayed in stag films at adult theaters in the metropolis. Such smut should NOT be allowed in any public means and is NOT permitted in The Bible and is considered blasphemy. They are going to hell. Anyone they know is going to hell, and that includes you. You need to warm them to the light of Our Lord so that they can cleanse themselves of their sins and return to a more prudent lifestyle. You should certainly make aware every office employee and craft two calligraphic scarlet "A's" for each to wear on their work garments as Hester Prynne did so that others may know of their inexcusable goings-on. You then should instruct other employees to sneer at them as they move to and fro work and cast stones in their directions at every possible moment.

This matter could be made worse by several factors. Are they the same race, creed, or gender? God will smite these evils with fury from His hands if they are a couple of damn queers. You must not succumb to your yearnings! If you feel your desires weighing too much on your soul you must repent with lashings and prayer. If your co-workers are anything but white, steer clear of them! The swine that plagues our land must be ostracized the same as the vermin from your workplace.

2007-11-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be a contestant on Jeopardy, but I don't know how to study for the questions. How can I best prepare for my appearance on the show so I don't look like a fool?
NEEDS ASSISTANCE DESPERATELY STAT

Lord Jowlmonger VIII replies:
My my, you have quite the task a head of you NADS. The sharp tongue of Alex Trebek must be met with equally stern veracity or I'm afraid you shall look like the court jester of Meriwether, Criss Angel! As sure as Jewel's tooth is snaggled, you will be asked to expound upon a number of topics. But alas your journey is not lost yet. I can help.

Recently, I took a pilgrimage to the delicious stone jowls of the southern oracle Olmec. After successfully extracting the Pendants of Life from the temple, I was granted with next week's Jeopardy topics! At first I thought this was a little random seeing how I went to the oracle to find out if I had AIDS or not, but now that you have asked this question, I know now that the Almighty Krang watches over us all. Anywho, here are your categories: Prison Etiquette, Smotherboxes, Malt Liquor, World Music, 15th Century Lords, Raves.

I hope that aides your quest. I must be off now. I have business to attend to at Sussex. My fellow nobles and I are going to stay up all night and beat Jurassic Park for SNES. I leave you with a poem for good luck.

"Anytime I need to see your face, I just close my eyes I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine. Sweet like a chicka cherry cola. Ooh I want you, I don't know if I need you, but ooh I'd die to find out."

Highest regards,

LJ

2007-11-08T07:33:00.000-05:00

I have a co-worker who I really like, but I don’t know how to approach them. It is wrong to kiss someone you work with, or wood that just make it really uncomfortable whenever I talk to them?
JANICE, SEDONA, AZ

John Zombie replies:
This reminds me of the time I crashed my dad's dragula. I stressed and stressed about it for days before I finally worked up the nerve to tell him. In the end, he actually took it pretty well. My only punishment was that I had to watch The Devil's Rejects and write a 500 word essay on why it is the greatest horror film 2005. My point is, if you have something to say, it will eat at you like a Tremor in your small intestine until you say it. Now when you do tell this person your feelings, it is important not to move too fast. This holds true especially at the office. I'm sure your first instinct is to lure this person into the downstairs bathroom (the one that everyone shits in) and finger them. But finger banging your crush at the office is frowned upon usually. Plus, it is a distraction when you have to smell your fingers every couple seconds. A couple of quiet lunches together or a movie is a great way to start. I suggest Halloween. It is the scariest film of the year and it will give you an excuse to cuddle.

2007-11-06T20:37:00.000-05:00

I heard a rumor that cigarettes were bad for you. Is this true?
NICK O. TEEN

mrtasty68+1 replies:
Technically, cigarettes are bad for u. That doesn't mean that they aren't good for u, though. I find that thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen-year-old children xoxo them. I smoke Parliaments. Kids luv my Parliaments, especially when I use their tongue and say P-funks, they luv that 2. Of course, I'm not saying that I give minors my P-funks cuz that would be illegal, LOL. It would also be illegal if I waited by a school dressed as a crossing guard telling children that my seeing-eye-dog, Fuzzles, was back at my house in my basement and in order for them to take him for a walk they have to find his leash, which is either under the oil tank or in the dryer, and that their parents didn't have to know because I was not a stranger so we could be friends.

To answer your question, cigarettes make friends, especially friends waiting in the car who can't cum in because they "forgot" their IDs in their other Boss jeans or L.E.I.s.

2007-11-06T12:51:00.000-05:00

Hello. My name is Ryan Tittles and I am in 8th grade. I get picked on a lot in school. How do I make them stop?
RYAN - NORTH CONWAY, NH

Straightpants Sinatra replies:
See there Ryan, you want them to stop eh? Well let me frickin ask ya, what do you do to make them pick on you? Nothing you say? You are not doing anything to facilitate your misery? So you mean to tell me you don't wear the same B.U.M. Equipment shirt to school three days a week? You are gonna tell me you don't have bitch tits and that you don't reek of Polo Safari? So you are not lying when you tell me that you don't play Warcraft instead of doing sports?

I've got you pegged Ryan Titties. How do I know they call you that? Cause you have a gay last name, that's why. But you can't help that you say? Your small handed father gave you that name? That might be true there Tits, but you don't do anything to overshadow the fact that your name it is queerer than a three dollar bill. Here is Tits's typical day: wake up 5 minutes before school, not shower, eat a Toaster Strudel, get boners in class and not pay attention, come home and not do anything your parents ask of you, go up to your room and play video games and listen to Good Charlotte, repeat.

Get your frickin life together Titties. Get some fresh air for Christ's sake. Do something social. Then you can stop masturbating 8 times a day to your mom's Chadwick's magazines that you steal before anybody gets home. Then maybe, just maybe you won't grow up like the rest of sissified America. And oh yeah. Get a job.

2007-11-03T15:48:00.001-04:00

When I wake up in the morning, I have no desire to do anything. What can I do?
NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

Goth Kid replies:
You sound depressed. It's natural. I wake up every day and wonder why I'm still living. The only answer I come up with is to spread the misery that plagues me, plagues my soul. What is a soul? People, conformists, say that the soul is incorporeal essence residing in every living being. I say it is a farce, a gimmick created by happy people who look for something to hope for after death. Hope, that's a laugh. All that comes from hope is heartbreak, not that my heart isn't broken. Sure, it beats. It does its job pushing blood through my living corpse. This idea that the heart does anything besides its biological function makes me want it to stop beating altogether. Death is all that comes from life. Life is pain. Death ends that pain.

2007-11-03T15:34:00.000-04:00

My job is boring. What can I do to spice things up at the workplace?
IN NEED OF EXCITEMENT

Lord Jowlmonger VIII replies:
This reminds me of my fortnight at Standish. The then Pope Markus McGrath IV requested my company in order to discuss plans for the Lilith Fair at Kent. When not coordinating with the Steward Muldoon I found myself with ample time to enjoy the countryside. However, I soon grew weary of my prairie grass frolickings and grew quite restless. One day I went for a jaunt to the polo fields and found a considerable amount of fecal matter near the stables. My curiosity was overbearing and I plunged my hands into the droppings of what appeared to belong to the mighty steed Artex. Oh the warmth! Reminiscence of a year's Yorkshire sun! Soon I was completely inundated in joy thicker than Madam Sandra Bullock's cream tarts. My depression was cured! I spent the rest of my time scampering off to the fields every chance I got. My advice: find a private storehouse of delicious stool and it will be worth its weight in gold bullions.